Triggers

While shopping today, we were pushing our cart behind another mom and her young adult daughter. I noticed she walked rather slowly. And me, being in a hurry to get the kids to the pool, almost went around her.

So glad I didn't. Some time later, she was behind me in the check-out lane. I turned around and saw the bandage where her port had likely been. She looked tired; just hanging in there--like my mom, 8 years ago this August. My heart went out to her and her daughter...to her family, and all they must be going through together.

"Mom, I thought of you today. I didn't cry or fall apart...not yet, anyway. But I was reminded of your pain and am so glad you are in a better, brighter place today. I love you : )"

I was in the process of becoming a mother myself(pregnant with my son), while I watched my own mom, fight for her life. I came out to stay for a week, that August. Went shopping, bought her some button-down shirts that would make it easier for her to access her food port, did some yard work, tried to stay productive for her. It felt strange, trying to care for a person I hardly knew. But I was determined to do something...there wasn't anything else I could do, really.

"I wish we could have had more time together. I see other daughters with their moms around them. Not just little girls, but big girls--like me. Just today, at the pool, there were moms, grandmas, and kids--splashing together in the 95 degree heat. I'm happy for them, not bitter. Just don't know what its like to have that."

I love my kids. What mother does not? For years, I wondered if I would ever feel what I was supposed to feel with my mom. There was a disconnect. I've tried hard to remember the good memories. I think they've been clouded over by the pain of separation. Still hopeful that some will resurface to bring me some comfort and reassurance.

"Mom, I know that you loved me...and still do. I think it was hard to grasp that--and the sacrifices you chose to make--until I become a mother. You did what you felt was the best, for our welfare. I'm only sad that we couldn't have a little more time on this earth. "

Life brings us surprises that can be unexpected. Some of those are good surprises though. We're having another baby, early next year. How exciting and fun that will be : ) My children have eased some of the pain of not having mom here. I so wish I could know if she sees them, knows what they look like, hears their laughter...yes, even their ear-piercing squabbles and screams. But I don't.

"Mom, tonight we read, 'Heaven is For Real' at bedtime. I tried to explain to Adrian why babies sometimes die, here on earth. He asked about our first baby. I know he/she is with you, in Heaven. I'm so glad that you get to spend unlimited time with a grandchild we have yet to meet."

In my reading travels, I'm in the book of Job. Talk about a man with troubles. He was upright, loved God, and was truly blessed...and then, God allowed it ALL to be taken away. In his humanity, he grieves over his life and why he is even here in the first place. He just doesn't understand. But it ends well--that we know.

I have to remind myself of all that God has done in my life, and in the lives of those around me. He is a faithful God, with steadfast love. Every story has conflict--some dark undertones, areas that need to be redeemed. And so I choose to dwell in the land that I've been given, and feed on His faithfulness(Psalms 37:3).

"Mom, we miss you. I know your experience up there is infinite--no longer measured in time, the way it is on earth. The best way we can honor you is by living and loving well, here. Allowing beauty to come out of the ashes--letting God do what He needs to do, to finish our story. Until we meet again, know that you are forever in our hearts."--Love, your daughter : )

Taking a Back Seat

Driving with children can lend itself to some interesting conversations. Last year, I recall one particular errand run. I had heard this request before, but this time it had doubled in number and was presented ever so creatively: "Mommy, you need to have two more babies." I replied, "Oh, why is that?" Here it comes: "So we can BOTH ride in the way back, of the van!"

And so the logic of my then 4 and 6yr. old, solved the problem of where the car seats would be placed, and who would get first dibs on this new arrangement. I laughed at the idea. Not a good enough reason for us to expand our family, but hilarious, just the same. But it did get me thinking...and sometimes, that has proven to be a sign of what is coming down the road.

About this time, we heard the news that my brother was expecting his first child. We were overjoyed for him and his wife, excited for the new season that was coming for them. And then I thought, "Hmmm, wish our kids could be closer in age. Wish we didn't live so far away." We had thought about having more kids, but felt pretty content with where our family was at. Even through the banter, about upgrading to a bigger vehicle to accommodate the next cousin...I dismissed the conversation as light-hearted with no serious intentions.

I'm one of those people who like to plan things out. I don't like to change my scheduled day of events, at a moments notice. I treasure my calendar on the fridge. I have some degree of flexibility since I pencil stuff in, instead of using a pen. At least its written down. I like having a framework. Its the nerdy side of my personality : )

Speaking of schedules, I took at step of faith when a friend asked me to cover for her, in the month of May, so she and her husband could travel overseas to adopt a precious little girl. I didn't think I could do it, but it worked out well, and my confidence in my work, grew. During that time, the calendar was filled with all sorts of appointments: meetings with clients, kids playing here and there, school pick-ups/drop-offs, family events, birthdays parties, a late spring, a short planting season. It was a crazy time.

But we made it to Memorial Day weekend. Whew! What a whirlwind. By this time, there were some questions in my mind...could it be possible? I didn't think so. Five years had already gone by. But it was, and is: just penciled in--third child, due around January 29th! And as far as we know, there is just one in there. Twins run in my family; especially if you're in your mid-thirties. But we are content to receive, 'one at time', just like before. And another bonus: we now have more than one sibling having babies--so more cousins, for ours ; )

I'm learning to take a back seat in this new season. Sometimes you have an idea of how you think your year will look. I saw myself working part-time, with the kids both in school during the day. I thought it might be a little lonely, being home with no kids...so I started to form a plan to get around that. As it turns out, I've been stretched in a new direction...yes, I totally meant to say that. Have you seen how big I already am? The 'warm up' effect--its true!

I don't know how my schedule will be, next spring, but I'm learning to trust, be flexible, reach out a little...so long as I'm not the sole 'driver', I think my hands will be more free to do what God has called me to do. Now, to keep the older ones out of the front seats, for a little while...we've got a few years ahead of us : )

Where I Belong

Some days, you just wanna 'go home.' Anyone else relate with that feeling? There is a song that I love, from Building 429: 'Where I Belong'. The refrain goes something like this: "All I know is I'm not home yet-this is not where I belong-take this world and give me Jesus-this is not where I belong." Powerful message, great song!

There is a lot of truth there. Especially when we find ourselves bearing the weight, in a season of suffering. But as I came across this passage, it helped me to see my earthly time, in a more positive light.

From the book of Acts, chapter 17:

"So Paul, standing in the midst of the Areopagus, said: 'Men of Athens, I perceive that in every way you are religious. For as I passed along and observed the objects of your worship, I found also an altar with this inscription, 'To the unknown god.' What therefore you worship as unknown, this I proclaim to you, the God who made the world and everything in it, being Lord of heaven and earth, does not live in temples made by man, nor is he served by human hands, as though he needed anything, since he himself gives to all mankind life and breath and everything.

And he made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined allotted boundaries of their dwelling place, that they should seek God, in the hope that they might feel their way toward him and find him. Yet he is actually not far from each one of us, for in him we live and move and have our being, as even some of your own poets have said, for we are indeed his offspring.

Being then God's offspring, we ought not to think that the divine being is like gold or silver or stone, an image formed by the art and imagination of man. The times of ignorance God over-looked, but now he commands all people everywhere to repent, because he has fixed a day on which he will judge the world in righteousness by a man whom he has appointed; and of this he has given assurance to all by raising him(Jesus Christ) from the dead." (end of chapter)

During this time, the people of Athens were worshipping all kinds of different gods, their ears continually perking up, to whatever might be new and exciting to worship. They were, of course, intrigued by what Paul shared with them, about Jesus.

It's interesting that they had an altar for 'the unknown god'...it was as if they knew they hadn't really found Him, but were aware of His existence. I think we all have felt that way at one time or another. We find ourselves in the midst of crisis, we offer up prayers for help, hoping they will get through. And when the storm quiets down, we go on to live our lives, distracted by everything that vies for our attention and admiration. Some things are not to meant to fill that perpetual void, in our hearts.

But God is so much more than a prayer hotline; He is real, and He is here. He lives and moves, all around us. It's hard to comprehend that, but I think we know, deep down, of His existence--just look around at this amazing world! The intricate detail, the way a day unfolds and ends, book-ended by the sun and moon as of sources of light. All the critters, animals, birds, plants, flowers, trees...the people we love. It is all so good!

When I find a few moments to sit in the middle of all this beauty, and try to take it in...I am aware of my place on this earth. I may not be counted among the most successful, famous, or wealthy. But I am here to know God. He has me right where He wants me. To find my way toward Him. Through good times and bad, we can walk with Him, getting to know Him better, along the way. 

Someday, I will get to go home. But the here and now is important. This is where the relationships are being built; yes, even our relationship with the triune God. This is where the memories are made. It all follows us to where we're going.

Crossing the Waters

 Today, we have rain pouring down. From Tuesday on, the forecast is predicting several inches of ...snow, in mid-April! Another indication that we do, indeed, live in Minnesota : )

It's been awhile since I've posted. I'm wondering where the last several months have gone. Winter is usually pretty quiet, around here. I guess we've been having too fun, playing music, at home, among other things. Been practicing, on the keys, trying to get my courage up to someday play, on the music team. Troy has taken up the guitar, in addition to honing his skills, on drums. All this hidden talent, revealing itself--its fun, to see our family becoming more and more musical, all the time.

Samantha has been singing a lot, making up little songs, about stuff: her toys, dolls, things she likes to do. Maybe we have a little song-writer in our midst, as well! I love her zest for life, and the joy that she brings into each day. We love singing along with our favorite songs, together : )

Adrian , my little man of mystery--he doesn't like to be center stage, but he's got talent, too. Every now and then, we'll hear him blasting away on the trumpet, hitting the drums, and picking away at the kiddie guitar--picked that one up, around the holidays. I can see him being a musician someday.

Ever have a glimpse of what God might be working on, in your future? That's how I feel about music, and how it may relate to our family life. I can't shake the feeling that someday, we might all be doing worship ministry together. Nothing brings as much joy to my heart, than when we're on stage, playing and singing, with the team. Someday, I hope that our kids will join us, when they are old enough.

Song-writing. Can't get it out of my mind. Literally. I can't even pen the words. I know that they are there, being formed...but nothing, yet. Looking back, on all that God has brought me through. My childhood, those times of real insecurity, loss of life, loss of loved ones. They all mean something. They all have a story to tell. But if I try to bring it together, on my own...I don't know. What comes out of it may be less than stellar. I'm trusting God to lead me, and bring me out on the other side, testifying of what He has done, in and through all of this. He is good, and He is a great God!

In my travels, I came across this reading. Here is the address, and what it says:

Joshua 4:23

"For the Lord your God dried up the waters of the Jordan for you until you passed over, as the Lord your God did to the Red Sea, which he dried up for us until we passed over, so that all the peoples of the earth may know that the hand of the Lord is mighty, that you may fear the Lord your God forever."

God is alive and well. He is at work. He will 'dry up the waters' around you. If He did it for the ancient peoples, why on earth would He not do it, for each one of us? No matter how I might be feeling, which is very much dependent on the weather(LOL), I trust that God is still God.

The song of my heart is what I wake up and live, each day. Someday, I hope that some of that will end up in the form of notes and lyrics, making a beautiful sound : ) Until then, I'll be in process: living it out, trusting the Lord, making the memories with the ones who matter the most.

The Baggage Claim

A few years back, I went on a trip with some girlfriends. Just boarding the plane to our Florida destination, created unmatched excitement and anticipation--no kids, diaper bags, or schedules to worry about...just time away to recharge our batteries, for the year ahead!

We had a great time. The weather was sunny, the conference encouraging, the music incredible. All in all, a great long weekend away. I was doing fine, until we started boarding our plane home. It seemed that the airline we were flying with wasn't as courteous, on our return flight, as they were when we departed. Instead of offering to store our carry-on luggage, at no charge--now, we were told it was too big to take on the plane. We had to swipe our credit cards, at the terminal, at $25 a bag, before boarding.

Even though the dimensions of our luggage fit within the written guidelines, they didn't fit into the box at the terminal. I could feel the hairs standing on the back of my neck, as I tried to reason with the attendant. We watched as dozens of passengers filed by, with similar-sized luggage, no charges incurring for them. Finally, a promise was made, by me, to report the incident. I flew home that day, feeling angry and taken advantage of. My poor friend had to sit next me, while I vented my way home. I can laugh about it...now that a few years have passed!

We never did get our money back. When I think about it, I still shake my head. There are much worse situations to be angry over. This one falls into the category of "life is not fair, minor annoyances." Airlines may not have 'consistently-courteous people', from one hub to the next. And life will give us baggage to carry, from one adventure to the next.

For me, it raises a question: have I dealt with my stuff? Most of the time, I think I have. But then life sends me in a new direction, and I find myself carrying around the same junk--with more to add, coming back.  Like the baggage claim, my stuff keeps going around and around...waiting for me to pick it up, claim it as my own, and deal with it.

Isn't it liberating to purge out the old, and bring in the new? We try to do that from one season to the next--getting rid of forgotten toys, clothes outgrown, things we don't need. I always feel better once I've made room for new things to enter our lives : )

In the heart, it is much the same: allowing God to bring to the surface those things that no longer fit or belong. I'm glad that He is always doing something new, in our lives! We aren't designed to carry around those old burdens...

Matthew 11:28-30

"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."

..and He wants us to be freed up for what He is preparing, ahead of us.

Jeremiah 29:11-13

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart."

With the Christmas season upon us, I am reflecting on the goodness of God. Letting go of the things that were never mine. Getting rid of what no longer fits. And looking to the New Year, with anticipation, of what He will bring into our lives. Blessings!

Love is Messy

An enjoyable mess...sometimes, it is fun!

A few days ago, I was awaken by cries in the night. I figured it was more of the same: croupy coughs and stuffy noses. As I scrambled upstairs to my little girl's room, there she was--afraid to move, clenching her little fists in disgust at the mess before her. Looks like the stomach bug came to visit us, as well.

While on clean-up duty, I had a flash of a memory in my mind. Myself, as a young child, sitting in my own bed, the same cries in the night...and then watching my mom, clean me up. I remember feeling bad that it happened, and that she had to get up and do more work. The sheets on my daughter's bed were the very same sheets that I used to sleep in...maybe the flowery print in this scenario helped trigger that memory.

Those sheets are in remarkable condition, for being like 30 years old. Reason being--at some point, they were put away in storage because they were no longer being used. After the divorce, I slept in that bed less often, going back and forth between two homes instead one. I'm glad to have several sets of my old sheets: they remind me of a time of security and routine in my family of origin.

In the struggle to parent my own kids, there is(at times)the haunting feeling of abandonment--lurking around me. In my heart, I've often asked, 'Mom, where are you?' I wish I could pick up the phone and tell her about the things that go on in our day. I imagine that we would laugh about this or that, exchanging some happy memories from when she was a young mom.

Love is messy. Love takes work. Love gives even when it seems there is little, to give. On the days that I miss my mom, I try to remember that she did what she could. In a turbulent time, she loved us in a way that was vital: by providing for our basic needs. It was a sacrifice that was necessary, and one that took time away from us. But she did it out of love for us. She worked so hard, and was an awesome nurse.

I also have memories of my dad, playing with us at the park. Going for countless bike rides, eating Popsicles while they dripped down our chins, attending our first Twins game, going to the Zoo. He is the most fun dad(and grandpa)ever! Life was challenging, but we had fun together. Somehow, we survived and by the grace of God, we now have families of our own to love, and have fun with : )

We have to fight for family life. In today's world, we have many demands on our time, and distractions that pull us away from what we unknowingly crave: meaningful relationships. There are some things that cannot be fixed or controlled. When I feel like life is becoming rather 'projectile' and messy, I go to my Creator and ask for help.

He is every thing that is contrary to my circumstances: strength--when weak...wisdom--when in confusion...peace--when afraid...let's go to God, who has open arms and loves us deeply...yes, even in the mess of it all.

Silence Speaks to the Heart

"They spread their wings, and fly"

Listen...the rhythmic ticking of our clock, on the wall...the tinkling water, forming ice cubes...and they rumble-tumble to a frozen bin, below...jets passing by, overhead, on a crystal-clear night...the dishwasher, humming to close its symphony of clean. These are sounds I rarely hear--only when all is perfectly still.

Sometimes silence speaks. It cries out for a voice, that is often drowned out by our noisy world. I wonder how I missed it for so long. All those years of long work hours, the need to conquer the world, as it were--my 20's were a sort of quest to see what I was made of. I think we've all been there at some point in our lives. We don't know who we really are...and then we find out Who made us.

Today, I find myself in a different kind of busy. The list of 'to-do's, slowly gets crossed off, but only to be recycled again by the same chores, different day. One day at a time, I know, I know. And as I go through my day, I hear the same faint question: "Mommy, will you play with me?" And I wonder, as I put off my 'yes', one more time, should I trade temporary organization(and sanity) for memories that will last when those mundane days add up to years, gone by too fast?

I've decided that a woman can never do enough in one day. Even on the most productive of days, the end of it leaves me wondering if I've, again, missed the best part. I silently vow to make tomorrow better. I try. And sometimes, there are those shining moments. Like earlier today, when my son explained to me, in detail, why he had constructed his Lego helicopter a certain way(our little engineer). I'm so proud of him and the wheels that are ever turning, in his little mind. Or like this afternoon, when I saw how high my daughter had learned to pump, on the swing set. Her smile was brighter than the setting sky, as I waved to her through the window. I finally did make it outside to be with them both...even if it was the end of the day.

As my kiddos grow older, I'm discovering that they need as much of my time, but in a different way. It's true that it gets easier when they become more independent. But now, they want an audience more than they need a watchful eye. They need me to cheer them on, excited for each little step towards growing independence.

The distractions of daily living are in constant competition with what we love and cherish most. I have to remind myself that someday, when I'm gone, the list will cease to matter...but the memories that we made, together, will live on in the lives of my children--teaching them what is most important: that they are dearly loved! Not only by me, but through me--I humbly hope to demonstrate some of the awesome love God has, for them.

This is for all you parents out there. We're in this together--the balancing act of practical love, i.e. providing for our kid's needs, vs. spending that quality time with them. I now understand how hard this job description is, to live up to! Thankfully, we have much grace and love surrounding us. Because we are also still kids, to Someone. Have a great fall and start to the school year : )