It's All About Love

A friend once told me something quite profound: "There is no love like that between a parent and child." At the time, I didn't have children and could not comprehend what that might feel or look like. The only person I had to take care of was myself. Life sure does change. Now that I'm a mom, I have a better understanding of love--especially the sacrificial kind. We go out of our way to protect, nurture, and give our family what they need and want, don't we?

Then there are family members, friends, coworkers, a spouse or significant other. The way we love the people in our life is different, depending on how we know them. The deeper we go, the more difficult it can be, at times, to love them well. When you find yourself in the middle of a conflict with another, you might ask, "How do I show this person love?" Even when you think you've done it right, there can be misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

It is then that we have to go back to the source of love: our God. I might have some strength in me to love others, but that will eventually run out unless I tap into a greater power; a reality that I cannot get my head around. When I fall on my face, it is then that I realize my inability to do anything apart from Him. I think back to difficult times in my marriage, and remember wise friends telling me how I would only be able to love my husband, the way he needed me to, when I learned how to love God, first.

When we hold fast to God and his perfect love for us(as His children),we are then able to love each other better. There is a natural pull that is created, an attractiveness that comes from within. Have you noticed the magnetism a person can have, when they've spent some serious time with God? They have a radiance not to be rivaled by any beauty product out there. You want to be around them because they are enjoyable to be with. You want to know what they know.

Therein lies the mystery of love: tapping in to the One who will fill us up, only to be poured out, again and again. That love will draw people in and eventually point them to the Source who will never run out. I have to admit that at times, I feel burned out...spent, tired, ready to quit. That is a wake up call for me to get with God and be refilled. I'm glad that I do have those moments because it reminds me of my daily dependence on a person greater than me. I guess no matter how 'grown up' I become, I'll always be some body's kid, right?

Heartbreak

On my way to the blog, I stopped by the kitchen for a treat. I love those little dark chocolates, wrapped in foil, with a message inside. I don't buy them for the thoughts, but sometimes its fun to see what great wisdom can come out of added calories. Tonight's treat read this: 'Discover how much your heart can hold.' I'm not sure what that is supposed to mean, but in my experience you can find that out when your heart gets broken.

As mentioned previously, I've been attending a large group study for women. We're going through the book of Isaiah, finding out what it means to be free. This past week we studied heartbreak. Not my favorite reality to dive into, but one that all of us can relate to at some point in our lives. There were times that I had to stop, because the lesson book was getting wet. I thought to myself, "Really? This is still bothering me?" It seemed like I should be over this, by now. But I wasn't. I had let go; but it still hurts.

It would be more bearable, if it weren't for the fact that I've been experiencing several strained relationships, all at the same time. When I think about it too much, I feel the brokenness settling, right in the pit of my stomach. Not a good feeling. Could I have said this or that differently? What more can I do to reach out--when that person refuses to reach back? I've apologized...now what? I try to get in touch with another friend...and they won't call back. I still don't know what happened or why. These are the scenarios in my life lately.

And then, there is that one person who you are sure will never be replaced by another friend, no matter how great they are. It was a special relationship, a great connection. Life circumstances changed, and now its been several years since you've seen them. They are the kind of friend that you can pick up right where you left off...if only, you had the opportunity to see them again. These are heart-breaking moments. We don't get over them easily. We hold a special place in our hearts for these people who mean so much. Even if it means they will never reciprocate in the way we would like.

I believe that I'm entering into a new season these days. One called silence. It is rather odd to find oneself, sitting in a group, not having anything to say. Yes, I did the homework...all of it. Yes, I am processing the information. But I can't utter the words. They won't come. It's a good thing that I'm not called on, to say something. There are plenty of other people there, eager to share their thoughts...I used to be one of them. Now, I'm slowly becoming one of the quiet ones. How strange that is, for me. I am so much the extrovert, when in good company. I love people. They energize me, for the most part. But here, in this environment...I must be still.

For those who know me well, or maybe didn't want to put forth the effort--a quiet' me' may come as a relief to you. Humor me by laughing out loud *LOL* Yes, I can make fun of myself, too! It is incredibly hard for me sit still...and be quiet. At home, I am mostly quiet, but always moving, doing something. The closest I get to sitting still--while my eyes are opened--is when I'm having my computer time. Otherwise, it's a very hard thing for me to do. Having this study has forced me to carve out time to be still. And for that, I am grateful. I didn't realize how much I missed that until I picked up the habit, again.

Back to the heartbreak. I won't elaborate on the details of my own. It is what it is. I can't fix it, but I know who can. Anytime you've gone through a situation, there is always that person who tries to sympathize with you, make you feel better. But there's one problem: they haven't experienced the same hurt. They try, but the words they utter don't help, and they cannot truly understand what you've been through. How sweet it is when you find a friend who does know what it's like to go through this loss or that. Because they've been there, too.

My consolation in experiencing multiple heartbreaks, in my life, is that it may be used to cultivate a compassion for others like myself. And when I feel that there is no one who understands what I'm going through, I am aware that this is an opportunity to fellowship in the sufferings of the One who has experienced every hurt and rejection known to humanity. It sounds far-fetched, but just maybe--I might get to know God better through these difficult times. He is also the one who binds up the broken-hearted--bandaging the hurt, until it has the time it needs, to heal(Isaiah 61:1-3). How great it is that we can have someone who not only understands our hurts, but heals them, as well.

"Since ancient times, no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no one has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for Him." (Isaiah 64:4)

No Expiration Date

Here we are, fresh into a new year! My tree is already taken down, ornaments gently put away for another 11 months. Looking back(over the last 6 weeks),Christmas is a special time of year. Once we get past eating our turkey and giving thanks, then I'm onto the decorating, with holiday CD's, playing in the background. The buzz of the music and glow of the lights, puts me in good spirits.

I enjoy every bit of this time of year. But a few days ago, I decided that I couldn't stand looking at those red stockings another minute: it all had to go. I normally wait until after New Year's Day, but since last Thursday was so rainy, I was home all day and thought, what the heck: might as well get a jump on it. It felt so good to have my living room back...well, almost. What I really did was make more room for all the new toys the kids have been playing with. They like them so much that they never get put away at the days' end.

As I was putting all the stuff away, it occurred to me why tradition is celebrated for a short time: it has limited shelf life. Kind of like that box from the store with a date stamped on the top: best if used by...the end of the year. I love Christmas and every thing it stands for. Yes, even Santa, and stockings hung adds a little sweetness to the mix. But in the aftermath of wrapping paper, and boxes that I can't throw away(because my son thinks they make good sheds for his tractors), I realize--once again--that all of this is temporary.

Maybe I'm one of those people who need the contrast of routine vs. celebration, to fully embrace what it means. How boring would life be if we never took a break from the dailies, and celebrated the reason we have life, in the first place? And yet, if we left our tree up all year long, it would cease to be special, lose its sparkle, and annoy me. Oh, but leaving outdoor lights up, through winter, is ok in Minnesota...if it isn't, then I'm one of those houses that will annoy drivers, passing by.

While we may grow tired of the holiday scene, it serves to remind us of what we have access to, every day of the year. It reminds us of the temporary nature of this earth, and the eternal satisfaction that comes with knowing the One who came to give us life. He is the only presence that has no expiration date. He always has been and always will be. He is the Everlasting One. And He is always more than enough. I cannot comprehend the nature of God, how He can be 3 persons, and yet one. But I've decided to get up, each day, and trust Him. No matter what comes, or how miserably I might fail, He is still God...and He is still here, every single day.

On the lighter side, Happy New Year, 2011! Isn't it great that we get to start a new length of time, putting a calendar in place, for all that will come? We don't know what the days ahead will bring, but I like that we are always changing, and co-authoring new chapters in our stories. Enjoy the year ahead, and make it a good one, one day at a time.

The Gift of Faith

I can't believe we are already in December. Kind of like, where did all this snow come from? We are in it, up to our knees, fluffy and white. Last weekend, 17 inches of it blew in, over the horizon, at the sound of 30 mph, all day and night. I looked out my window that Saturday morning, and all I could see was white out. No road, trees, or farm fields.

Being snowed in was all right by me. It's been awhile since we had a MN blizzard. I think the last time I even spoke the word, 'blizzard', was when a popular ice cream franchise had them on sale, last summer. I spent the day, inside, cleaning. The hard floors had collected their own little farm of dust bunnies, with the couch hiding the majority of them. In time, I had clean floors, and a mind that was trying to declutter, in the process of it all. Like piles of mail that needed sorting, so the thoughts in my head needed filing...and discarding.

Our budget was on the top pile of worries, for me. It's Christmas time, meaning extra shopping and gifts for the people in our lives. It's winter, meaning a slower pace, and less income. And it's me, the one who tries to balance it all...did I mention that math is not my best subject? For me, the most useful tool on the internet is online-banking. Without it, I would be completely lost.

In my support group, I shared some of these concerns. Call it a prayer request, because that's what it was. I needed the faith to believe that God would take care of this...take care, of us. My husband, calm person that he is, is not overly concerned. I admire his faith in believing God will provide extra jobs, even though it is winter. I'm thankful that he is so solid and peaceful, when I am at times, a little shaky.

Looking in the months ahead, it doesn't add up. On paper, the bottom line reads 'below zero', and I'm not talking about the temperatures here . Still, a chilly number, however you want to look at it. We've decided that eliminating our giving is not an option. In God's economy, this cannot come out of the equation. Don't ask me how it works this way, but it does. So here I am, more motivated than ever to cut our expenses...and then wait and see.

I am delighted to say God hears our prayers. He is always more than enough. Just days later, a check came in the mail. One that we were not expecting, from a place that we thought we had finished doing business with. I called the company, just to make sure this sizable amount was really ours. It was an overpayment that came back to us, at the perfect time. I said to my husband, holding the check, "This is God at work!" He agreed. I feel undeserving, so much of the time, because I know that all that we have is really His. And yet, I can't contain my excitement at how He works out the details of our lives, giving us just what we need.

The last couple of months, I've been in a study with a mixed group of women, from the local area. I love the fact that we go to different churches, and yet, there is a unity of spirit among us. I'm enjoying the homework, learning more about the God who knows me, inside and out. Isaiah 64:4 says, "Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for him."

That verse came alive for me, this week. Some thoughts I've considered: If my bible sits at rest, collecting dust bunnies, does that mean the words inside are dead? If I allow the cares in my head to go stir-crazy, with no place to go, does that mean there is no God of the universe, who won't hear my silent prayers? If I walk alone, in my struggles, how certain can I be that there are others out there, feeling the same way?

We are not alone. We have similar needs. To be loved, to be heard, to have a reason for living. God loves you more than you can imagine. So much, that He came in human form, walked among us for awhile, died for our freedom, and wants to live in our hearts, forever. I know this, but sometimes I forget, get distracted, or selfishly go my own way...for awhile. I'm glad that deep within, there is that whisper of a voice, calling me back.

I sincerely hope, for each one of you, that this will be a Christmas to remember. Maybe it's a hard year, ending with devastation and loss. Or it might be over the top, filled with much joy. For many of us, it can be business as usual, getting caught up in the traditions, the hustle 'n' bustle of the season. Wherever you find yourself this year, I pray that you are one step closer to the heartbeat of the Father. He is not too far away. And He does act on behalf of those who wait for Him.

Merry Christmas!

That Time of Year

Looking out the window, the snow continues to remain. I think winter is finally here. Although there's talk of 40 degrees tomorrow, whatever melts will likely freeze by nightfall and be covered with more fluffy precipitation, at some point. Now that Thanksgiving is over, I gave into the kids' reminders of putting up the Christmas tree, and all the rest of the decorations. Our house is now aglow--cozy and warm, with the flicker of corn kernels, set aflame.

Sounds like a good place to camp out for the next 3 or 4 months, doesn't it? I did a lot of hibernating when I was on layoff. Too bad motherhood doesn't have a layoff period*LOL* My job was seasonal, so by the time the holidays rolled around, I was on break...until the next holiday, Valentine's Day, came. Then after everyone got their roses, and we were sure we didn't want to see another flower until spring, we were on break, again, until the end of March. Not a bad deal, if you ask me. So while winter is not my favorite season, it comes close to being so because of the slower pace and time to catch up on indoor projects. Also a good time to go cross-country skiing. I've made some tracks already in our snowy fields. Maybe I'll melt away the 'post-baby belly' after all.

I thought that this year, I wouldn't go Black Friday shopping, with the rest of the world, after how tired I was last year. Who really wants to get up at 3AM and stand in line? I heard that some stores were opening at midnight this year. I was tempted to go, but then sleep seemed more appealing by the time I would need to leave.

Instead, I got myself and our kids, on the road, by 10AM. We went to the mall and endured the crowds, lines, and outbursts of temper by both of my children. The screams, kicking and tears were flowing, quite freely, in one children's clothing store. My daughter, crying, wanted me to buy her boy's PJ's. I didn't care that they were boys, but did she really need another pair of footie jammies? My son was also crying because the snowman jammies he wanted didn't come in the footie style, but rather, in a 2-piece set. And he didn't want to give up the seat in the stroller, back to his sister. I think every person in that store could hear us(it wasn't a big store). But I calmly handed my payment to the gal at the register, not backing down on my position. I no longer sit in judgment of parents with screaming children. At times, I am one of them.

I promised them candy, out of the gumball machines, if they were good. I think they did pretty well, all things considered. We ate lunch in a food court that literally had only one table left. We shared a plate of Japanese food. For 6 bucks, the three of us ate lunch, sitting next to a mom and her daughter--out shopping together, getting some girl time. It was fun to talk to them, and not mind that we were strangers to each other. I was thankful that they let us sit next to them. I'm also thankful(not usually)for 25 cent machines that dispense small tokens of sweet silence!

Here's what I find funny, about Black Friday. They send you a paper that weighs about 3 pounds, chalk full of advertisements. The colorful ads promise good deals in the term of "Door Busters". So that somehow gets us wound up to go out at all hours of the night in order to satisfy our need for this or that item. People line up, shoulder to shoulder, at some places. Later on, the evening news appears, showing video footage of all these people and how bad it was that someone almost got trampled, trying to get through the doors of a toy store when they finally opened up.

Here's the kicker: they call it door busters for a reason. For some of us, just hearing it phrased that way may indirectly cause some of the negative behavior we see, played out in the masses. Maybe words are that powerful. What we see, read, or hear influences us, does it not? Or maybe we're just selfish by nature, and turn into tantrum-bound children, under the right environment. Just ask my kids.

I came home with a few goodies. Ironically, I have to go back up to that mall and make another exchange. I'm not doing well in judging how clothes really fit me, these days. All the jeans have spandex in them, which is great, but sometimes that denim stretches to a point of no longer staying on your bumper!*LOL* I'm glad that my favorite store allows returns on worn merchandise. That's how you know its a quality place to shop--when they can deal with picky customers, like me--then you know they're good.

The holidays are a great time of year. I'm so happy that my kids like Christmas music. Some of you may find it annoying because it seems to play earlier and earlier, with each passing season. But I really like it. It puts me in the right mood and helps me focus on what is important. We only get to sing these songs, once a year, so I'm taking in my full 6 weeks of enjoyment. In addition to the sounds, I love the lights, the smells and scents of burning candles, cookies baking, breads full of spice. It's a celebration that invokes all of the senses. No wonder we feel kind of a let down when its all over. A song I heard, recently, alluded to 'if only it were Christmas, everyday.' That might drive some of us a little nuts, but in my heart, it kind of is that way, for me. Without all the commercial fanfare, of course. Well, ok, maybe a little. Retail therapy?

This time of year, we often see family that is, more or less, not a part of our every day lives. That can be great, but it can also be stressful. I enjoyed Thanksgiving. I was sad that I didn't get to see those who couldn't make it, but overall, it was fun. No pressure to bring gifts, instead, making all the food. That's the busy part. The first Thanksgiving I hosted was an experience. I was pregnant, my mom was battling cancer, and I left half of the gizzards in the tail end of the bird!

I remember being so exhausted, trying to multi-task several dishes, all at once. But I was determined to do it. It would be the first, and only time, I could cook for my mom. She was pretty frail, by then. Our house tends to be on the cool side, so we put her chair right next to the corn stove. My grandpa also brought up his little fireplace heater so she could have extra heat while taking a nap. The table we set was so pretty. Guess I made my grandma proud that day. Maybe she was smiling down on us as we ate together.

Enjoy the time that you have with your loved ones. Make it a good memory to cherish and recall, so that when you have one of those days, you can pull out a picture of a good day, in your mind. Happy holiday season to you all. He is my reason for celebrating because He gave it all, for us.

Metamorphosis

One of things I enjoy, in raising our kids, is reading Eric Carle's "The Very Hungry Caterpillar", over and over again. Such a simple story, decorated with delightful paper mache images. Yet in its simplicity, the book communicates a great message to young and old alike.

Now that we're on the brink of an impending MN winter, I thought it would be fun to share this warm tale from one of our summer adventures. Enjoy!

"Last summer, we raised our first Monarch butterfly. It was a great experience; with a few failed attempts, we eventually succeeded. Adrian was so excited to see the transformation from a tiny little egg, to eating machine, to shiny green cocoon...and then, finally, a butterfly! The

whole process takes about a month. We find the eggs on the Milkweed plant, which is prolific throughout the countryside by our house.

Once inside the jar with holes atop, we watched the changes take place, day by day. To think that a creature with this kind of design, and intricacies, is deemed to have "evolved", seems ridiculous. Is there anything on earth, quite like the metamorphosis of the butterfly? The caterpillars know that they can eat only milkweed(occasionally, dill weed), making them poisonous to predators.

Having eaten just enough, these little wigglers shed their skin(multiple times), and when they are so full that they can hardly move, they hang upside down, turn themselves inside out, and become like "jelly"--inside the chrysalis. Once inside, all the cells and DNA are programmed to transform this colorful caterpillar into the majestic orange, white and black Monarch butterfly. The name means "King of Butterflies"--and we get to watch it all happen, right here in our own home. So cool.

This past July, we raised two butterflies--Adrian and Samantha's "pets". Our first one hatched on a Monday, after we got home from a short vacation. All was going well until she fell inside her jar. Normally, Monarchs hang from their empty shell for about a day, allowing their wings to dry and fully extend. Something was amiss with this butterfly. We took her out and let her sit out in the sun, on one of my flower pots, for a day. Next day still no change. She couldn't fly away and her wings seem kinda droopy.

I did some research and discovered that butterflies can be infected with a parasite called OE(short for Ophryocystis elektroscirrha). It's spread from the spores on the milkweed plant and can infect future generations of butterflies, especially if you don't sterilize your containers after the fact. Not for sure, but it could be a possibility. If this was the case, our butterfly would not learn to fly, no matter how hard she tried.

I read up on how to feed this poor butterfly and how long we could expect her to survive. It could be several days to weeks, depending on how much care she receives. As directed, I got a small piece of sponge and soaked it in sugar water. This little creature sat on my finger and drank from it's little straw(proboscis), right before my very eyes. It was amazing.

Even though this creature may never grace the blue skies above, the benefit is how close we've been able to get to her: to see her eyes, mouth--watch her eat, stroke her velvety wings. That would've never happened if she were fully developed and had flown away. The last two days, our Monarch friend has been sitting on my vase of flowers, in the kitchen window. This morning, she was glued to the screen, gazing outside as if she knew that was where she belonged.

While it was fun to have our little friend inside the house, I would be leaving on a trip in a few days: so out she had to go. I placed her on my flower pot and she remained there, as happy as a grounded

butterfly could be, until I left town.

Guess what? When I came home, 4 days later, I couldn't find our butterfly. I looked around the plant to see if she had expired, but didn't see a trace of her. A few days later, we were outside and we saw a Monarch fly by, like an airplane, doing take offs and landings--bouncing along.

As it glanced by, I noticed the lower wings were bleached white--suggesting it my have been our little friend. Because we fed her sugar water, her back wings had wicked up some of the moisture--several times--making the orange color fade to white. It was hard to prevent this from happening, and I wondered if that would make it harder for her to survive. Maybe she figured it out, after all!

I continue to be amazed at how great our God is. He wants to reveal Himself to us in big ways and small. The wonder of seeing this creature, up close and personal, was a teachable moment in our lives. Even though I'm mostly unaware of the changes occurring in my life, I have to trust that He is doing a good work in, and through, me. During those times when it feels like nothing new is happening...learning to wait for change to be revealed. In times when I'm so hungry, taking it all in--and being forced to shed my old ways of thinking, relating, parenting, living. One day, we will look in the mirror and see a reflection--recognizable as a "familiar presence", directing our lives. Until we fly away, it's a daily dependence on a Person who's ways are higher than ours."

(reference for my thoughts:2 Corinthians 3:17-18)

Linked in Love

Tonight, my mind is trying to process the many conversations I've had, in several circles, lately. The commonality between them all is the fact that so much of what we make much of, really isn't. Human beings like hanging out with others that think like they do, walk like they walk, talk like they talk. It's a comfort thing, I suppose. We feel safe and validated, knowing that we are among friends. Within 'the bubble', we may begin to believe, simply by association, that our choices are the best...dare I say, the right ones.

The other side of the coin would be diversity. The concept of being multi-cultural within our circles of community, having different life experiences and gaining valuable perspective from one another. What does this look like? What is it supposed to look like? When it doesn't happen, when do we decide to walk away and find another group where we 'fit in' better? We've all been there: on the school playground, in churches, study groups, the workplace, the lunch room, our own homes. How is it that we can feel so isolated within the irony of community?

When I was younger, some of my friends would affectionately call me 'Lizard'. Kinda paints a reptilian picture in the mind, doesn't it? I would often respond to that nickname with my eyes rolling (LOL). Not one of my favorites, as you can imagine. However, in today's world, I will gladly answer to the call of Chameleon. Yes, the reptile that changes color within its environment. The blending in is not to simply fit in, and be unnoticed. No, rather, I see it as finding common ground--whatever that may be.

There is freedom in letting go of your own agenda. You become aware of what is important, and what is not. I enjoy being around different circles of community, so long as I feel welcomed. You can almost taste the disdain when you are not. I remember, not so long ago, when I thought that the way to 'make friends' was to inform people of what I thought about "stuff". These were my life experiences, were they not? Yes, but they were also opinions that sometimes communicated a different message than I had intended: "you are not doing it the right way".

Even in theological discussions, which can cause rifts among us, we have to come back to the foundation. And that is Jesus, of course. Sometimes the opinions we have, about secondary issues, can become barriers if we wear them like a uniform or badge(who do we work for?). A friend once told me, "we all stand the same height at the foot of the cross." No one is on tip-toe, there. At some point, I had to look at the relationships that were forming around me. What is more important? That this person do what I do, or think like me...or, that they are in my life? What would Jesus do, if he were me?

Love is on the agenda. What would that look like, every day? I think it would look something like the Olympic symbol of rings: each one of them, intersecting with another, crossing paths, individual and yet, interconnected. So we can have our circles of familiarity, but allow ourselves to reach beyond that--becoming a person of influence rather than merely a person of opinion.