Fringes

My daughter has this blanket she loves. Made by a family member, it was a special gift and the means by which she chooses to soothe herself to sleep. You never know what your child will grab a hold of and bond with. Several blankets were made for her: one with satin trim and minky fleece, one was crocheted, another was quilted together with a soft fuzzy backing. All of them are dear to me because of the love sewn into them by the hands that made them.

But this one has fleece ties all around it. And since my little one didn't suck her thumb or take a pacifier, she eventually connected with these knots and figured out how to stay asleep. It was all about the fringe-her perfect fit! Isn't it amazing how different kids are when it comes to sleeping and comfort? All of mine found their own way, but the end result was the same: much-needed peace and quiet.

In raising our kids, I haven't been too quick to snatch away those 'lovies' or security blankets. My rationale is they are only little for so long. And then they grow, and you turn around and wonder how it went by so fast. It's hard for me to believe my older kids are well into their elementary school years now. If only you could bottle up some of those moments for a time when its not so crazy, years later, and savor them!

As a mom, I often feel like I am 'the Fringe' that everyone in my family is holding onto. I get a little worn around the edges, and sometimes feel that I wouldn't be missed unless I was lost somewhere or stopped doing all the things I do everyday. It is nice to be needed-LOL. Through my frustration and exhaustion, I know that while this job will never end, it will change as my children grow up and into the fabric of their own lives.

Fringes. They hold another meaning. I think of those who feel like they don't fit. Like no matter how hard they try, they unwravel at the seams, left alone in the margins. Maybe it takes them awhile to warm up. Maybe they've been hurt too many times and feel more safe on the outskirts. Maybe they have a history, and wonder if they will be accepted with love and grace, despite their past. Pain can be hard to hide, and difficult for others to understand. But we each have our own unique measure of it, don't we?

For me, its feeling left out when moms and adult daughters are doing stuff together...stuff that I have never experienced, and never will. Someday, I look forward to stepping into that role with both my son and daughters--after all the ups and downs of helping them mature, when we will, undoubtedly, not always like each other! Every now and then, through the threads of our busy days, I get a glimpse of what I am helping weave together, right now.

 Yes, it can feel painful when I can't tell their grandma what they did or said that was cute...or try to explain to them why she isn't here with us...I give it over to God, again and again--and continue to work through the pain, keeping a tender heart.

My comfort, ultimately, is in God's love for all of us. Our house has been into the Chronicles of Narnia, lately. The stories are a wonderful picture of Christ. If God were to take on Aslan's form, I would wrap my arms around that mane, and press in, like Lucy did. He would call me 'Dear One', and through those piercing, all knowing eyes, I would be understood. I am known and loved...and so are you.

"I will be glad and rejoice in your love,
for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul.
You have not given me into the hands of my enemy
but have set my feet in a spacious place." Psalm 31:7-8
7 

Live Out Love

Where does the time go? My baby girl had her 10 month birthday, a few days ago. The last time I wrote, she was my internal, winter-warming bundle, waiting to be delivered... And now she has learned to crawl, babble, and keep us on our night time toes. Miss Mallory is a joy, and now we can't imagine our family without her! With each passing month and milestone, she has grown on us all. Our little love bug!

Having said that, all this joy in our house can be exhausting.To say we don't sleep much around here, is an understatement. I fully expected baby girl to follow suit, like her siblings, and be sleeping through the night at six months. The idea of being able to plan and predict how things would play out was appealing to me. I've always liked it better that way. But then, that would make life rather boring, wouldn't it?

Maybe feeling like I've got some mothering experience, and that this lack of sleep thing would not get me down, felt promising. But the truth is that I've had to rethink, relearn, and remember all over again. I think our mommy-brains have only so much space to keep track of everything and everyone that we recycle the old information...and then, when we need it, somehow it comes back around...full circle.

I try to think back to what life was like, when my older kids were small. And most of it was a blur, to be honest. It was a beautiful time, and its true what they say-the days are long, but the years are short! Having our third child come at a quieter time of life, is good. And in that quiet, sometimes, I remember my mom. I realize that I cannot pick up the phone and call her when I'm frazzled. I don't know if she can see me or not. I wish that I could see her. I'm sad that she wasn't physically here to meet little Mallory. I take the moment I need to remember, and then move to the next thing...whatever that may be.

In my sleep-deprived state, there are days when I don't have much left to give other than taking care of what my people need...and breathing...(sigh)...ha,ha...no really! But at the end of the day, we put the kids to bed, say our prayers and I hear myself say *I'm thankful*. Even when I don't feel much, I can look around at all that is here that is good. As we approach Thanksgiving, here are a few things I cherish:

My God is so good. This house is our home, and I love the grimy walls that hold us together. My family is my home...they live in my heart, and they move about in this space we call life, and force me to rise above my feelings, and care for them. Good food is a gift to create, and share with those you love. We had a beautiful fall season, surrounded with its fiery hues, in leaves up and on the ground. And roots...they exist. Now blanketed in snow, they are tucked away and at rest...yes, they ground us, keep us standing tall-bringing us what we need, when we need it.

Choosing to live out the love, and show up each day. That's all we can do. We can't control life and what may come our way. Sometimes I respond well to circumstances, and at other times, I flat out react-LOL. But being present is good. Enjoying people is a gift.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Receiving What is Ours

It's been one of those mornings. You parents know what I'm talking about. Our little people prancing about in their jammies, carrying candy canes--oblivious to the ticking of the clock, hands getting closer to our eight AM departure. I see my reaction, voice echoing, "Get dressed! Do you know what time it is?", from the mirror and make-up brushes.

As late as I stay up, trying to prepare for the next day, we occasionally have those moments when no amount of 'prep-time' will make up for a child, unable to find half of the clothes laid out the night before. And the other who did not like my selection of clothing...lunches need to be packed, breakfast eaten, and I'm pretty sure our man is glad to be leaving for work, so he can exit the chaos.

Ahhh...as we drive to school, on our icy back roads, the sun is peeking up from the horizon. I start to feel some remorse, melting over me, having handled my emotions the way that I did. I apologize. I ask, "You guys know that mom and dad love you, right?" After a quick, "yes", our kids have already moved on--enjoying their ride in the way back of the van, chattering about the day ahead of them.

As we turn a bend and head east, my son points out the wintry rainbow that is mirroring the rising sun. I remember my dad calling them 'sun dogs'; this one was the best I'd ever seen. A full prism of color, becoming brighter and brighter. We soon forgot about how our day had started, and enjoyed the gift of creation, before our eyes.

These moments are a gift. The collective amount of time that I get to drive the kids to school, talk to them, try to satisfy their growing curiosities, pray for them. Looking back over this year, I am so thankful. It is a joy, in the midst of the mess, to be in the role that I am in. Come January, we will add another member to our family, making some room in our hearts for hers, as it is beating inside me now. The time has gone by so fast. I don't want to miss it...don't want to miss out.

Let's celebrate what is real. In this time of giving and receiving, there is something for each of us. If life has become slippery under foot, I pray that blessings will come your way. That someone will hear that still voice, prompting them to reach out--reminding you that God is near. If life is good, let's respond by blessing someone else...and receive something great, by doing so. And when life is kinda messy and mundane, I hope that we can see the beauty and grace lavished on us, daily, to enjoy the memories we're making with the people we love.

My thoughts, collected...and some dirt and dust, as well--now that the floor is finally swept.

Triggers

While shopping today, we were pushing our cart behind another mom and her young adult daughter. I noticed she walked rather slowly. And me, being in a hurry to get the kids to the pool, almost went around her.

So glad I didn't. Some time later, she was behind me in the check-out lane. I turned around and saw the bandage where her port had likely been. She looked tired; just hanging in there--like my mom, 8 years ago this August. My heart went out to her and her daughter...to her family, and all they must be going through together.

"Mom, I thought of you today. I didn't cry or fall apart...not yet, anyway. But I was reminded of your pain and am so glad you are in a better, brighter place today. I love you : )"

I was in the process of becoming a mother myself(pregnant with my son), while I watched my own mom, fight for her life. I came out to stay for a week, that August. Went shopping, bought her some button-down shirts that would make it easier for her to access her food port, did some yard work, tried to stay productive for her. It felt strange, trying to care for a person I hardly knew. But I was determined to do something...there wasn't anything else I could do, really.

"I wish we could have had more time together. I see other daughters with their moms around them. Not just little girls, but big girls--like me. Just today, at the pool, there were moms, grandmas, and kids--splashing together in the 95 degree heat. I'm happy for them, not bitter. Just don't know what its like to have that."

I love my kids. What mother does not? For years, I wondered if I would ever feel what I was supposed to feel with my mom. There was a disconnect. I've tried hard to remember the good memories. I think they've been clouded over by the pain of separation. Still hopeful that some will resurface to bring me some comfort and reassurance.

"Mom, I know that you loved me...and still do. I think it was hard to grasp that--and the sacrifices you chose to make--until I become a mother. You did what you felt was the best, for our welfare. I'm only sad that we couldn't have a little more time on this earth. "

Life brings us surprises that can be unexpected. Some of those are good surprises though. We're having another baby, early next year. How exciting and fun that will be : ) My children have eased some of the pain of not having mom here. I so wish I could know if she sees them, knows what they look like, hears their laughter...yes, even their ear-piercing squabbles and screams. But I don't.

"Mom, tonight we read, 'Heaven is For Real' at bedtime. I tried to explain to Adrian why babies sometimes die, here on earth. He asked about our first baby. I know he/she is with you, in Heaven. I'm so glad that you get to spend unlimited time with a grandchild we have yet to meet."

In my reading travels, I'm in the book of Job. Talk about a man with troubles. He was upright, loved God, and was truly blessed...and then, God allowed it ALL to be taken away. In his humanity, he grieves over his life and why he is even here in the first place. He just doesn't understand. But it ends well--that we know.

I have to remind myself of all that God has done in my life, and in the lives of those around me. He is a faithful God, with steadfast love. Every story has conflict--some dark undertones, areas that need to be redeemed. And so I choose to dwell in the land that I've been given, and feed on His faithfulness(Psalms 37:3).

"Mom, we miss you. I know your experience up there is infinite--no longer measured in time, the way it is on earth. The best way we can honor you is by living and loving well, here. Allowing beauty to come out of the ashes--letting God do what He needs to do, to finish our story. Until we meet again, know that you are forever in our hearts."--Love, your daughter : )

Taking a Back Seat

Driving with children can lend itself to some interesting conversations. Last year, I recall one particular errand run. I had heard this request before, but this time it had doubled in number and was presented ever so creatively: "Mommy, you need to have two more babies." I replied, "Oh, why is that?" Here it comes: "So we can BOTH ride in the way back, of the van!"

And so the logic of my then 4 and 6yr. old, solved the problem of where the car seats would be placed, and who would get first dibs on this new arrangement. I laughed at the idea. Not a good enough reason for us to expand our family, but hilarious, just the same. But it did get me thinking...and sometimes, that has proven to be a sign of what is coming down the road.

About this time, we heard the news that my brother was expecting his first child. We were overjoyed for him and his wife, excited for the new season that was coming for them. And then I thought, "Hmmm, wish our kids could be closer in age. Wish we didn't live so far away." We had thought about having more kids, but felt pretty content with where our family was at. Even through the banter, about upgrading to a bigger vehicle to accommodate the next cousin...I dismissed the conversation as light-hearted with no serious intentions.

I'm one of those people who like to plan things out. I don't like to change my scheduled day of events, at a moments notice. I treasure my calendar on the fridge. I have some degree of flexibility since I pencil stuff in, instead of using a pen. At least its written down. I like having a framework. Its the nerdy side of my personality : )

Speaking of schedules, I took at step of faith when a friend asked me to cover for her, in the month of May, so she and her husband could travel overseas to adopt a precious little girl. I didn't think I could do it, but it worked out well, and my confidence in my work, grew. During that time, the calendar was filled with all sorts of appointments: meetings with clients, kids playing here and there, school pick-ups/drop-offs, family events, birthdays parties, a late spring, a short planting season. It was a crazy time.

But we made it to Memorial Day weekend. Whew! What a whirlwind. By this time, there were some questions in my mind...could it be possible? I didn't think so. Five years had already gone by. But it was, and is: just penciled in--third child, due around January 29th! And as far as we know, there is just one in there. Twins run in my family; especially if you're in your mid-thirties. But we are content to receive, 'one at time', just like before. And another bonus: we now have more than one sibling having babies--so more cousins, for ours ; )

I'm learning to take a back seat in this new season. Sometimes you have an idea of how you think your year will look. I saw myself working part-time, with the kids both in school during the day. I thought it might be a little lonely, being home with no kids...so I started to form a plan to get around that. As it turns out, I've been stretched in a new direction...yes, I totally meant to say that. Have you seen how big I already am? The 'warm up' effect--its true!

I don't know how my schedule will be, next spring, but I'm learning to trust, be flexible, reach out a little...so long as I'm not the sole 'driver', I think my hands will be more free to do what God has called me to do. Now, to keep the older ones out of the front seats, for a little while...we've got a few years ahead of us : )

Where I Belong

Some days, you just wanna 'go home.' Anyone else relate with that feeling? There is a song that I love, from Building 429: 'Where I Belong'. The refrain goes something like this: "All I know is I'm not home yet-this is not where I belong-take this world and give me Jesus-this is not where I belong." Powerful message, great song!

There is a lot of truth there. Especially when we find ourselves bearing the weight, in a season of suffering. But as I came across this passage, it helped me to see my earthly time, in a more positive light.

From the book of Acts, chapter 17:

"So Paul, standing in the midst of the Areopagus, said: 'Men of Athens, I perceive that in every way you are religious. For as I passed along and observed the objects of your worship, I found also an altar with this inscription, 'To the unknown god.' What therefore you worship as unknown, this I proclaim to you, the God who made the world and everything in it, being Lord of heaven and earth, does not live in temples made by man, nor is he served by human hands, as though he needed anything, since he himself gives to all mankind life and breath and everything.

And he made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined allotted boundaries of their dwelling place, that they should seek God, in the hope that they might feel their way toward him and find him. Yet he is actually not far from each one of us, for in him we live and move and have our being, as even some of your own poets have said, for we are indeed his offspring.

Being then God's offspring, we ought not to think that the divine being is like gold or silver or stone, an image formed by the art and imagination of man. The times of ignorance God over-looked, but now he commands all people everywhere to repent, because he has fixed a day on which he will judge the world in righteousness by a man whom he has appointed; and of this he has given assurance to all by raising him(Jesus Christ) from the dead." (end of chapter)

During this time, the people of Athens were worshipping all kinds of different gods, their ears continually perking up, to whatever might be new and exciting to worship. They were, of course, intrigued by what Paul shared with them, about Jesus.

It's interesting that they had an altar for 'the unknown god'...it was as if they knew they hadn't really found Him, but were aware of His existence. I think we all have felt that way at one time or another. We find ourselves in the midst of crisis, we offer up prayers for help, hoping they will get through. And when the storm quiets down, we go on to live our lives, distracted by everything that vies for our attention and admiration. Some things are not to meant to fill that perpetual void, in our hearts.

But God is so much more than a prayer hotline; He is real, and He is here. He lives and moves, all around us. It's hard to comprehend that, but I think we know, deep down, of His existence--just look around at this amazing world! The intricate detail, the way a day unfolds and ends, book-ended by the sun and moon as of sources of light. All the critters, animals, birds, plants, flowers, trees...the people we love. It is all so good!

When I find a few moments to sit in the middle of all this beauty, and try to take it in...I am aware of my place on this earth. I may not be counted among the most successful, famous, or wealthy. But I am here to know God. He has me right where He wants me. To find my way toward Him. Through good times and bad, we can walk with Him, getting to know Him better, along the way. 

Someday, I will get to go home. But the here and now is important. This is where the relationships are being built; yes, even our relationship with the triune God. This is where the memories are made. It all follows us to where we're going.

Crossing the Waters

 Today, we have rain pouring down. From Tuesday on, the forecast is predicting several inches of ...snow, in mid-April! Another indication that we do, indeed, live in Minnesota : )

It's been awhile since I've posted. I'm wondering where the last several months have gone. Winter is usually pretty quiet, around here. I guess we've been having too fun, playing music, at home, among other things. Been practicing, on the keys, trying to get my courage up to someday play, on the music team. Troy has taken up the guitar, in addition to honing his skills, on drums. All this hidden talent, revealing itself--its fun, to see our family becoming more and more musical, all the time.

Samantha has been singing a lot, making up little songs, about stuff: her toys, dolls, things she likes to do. Maybe we have a little song-writer in our midst, as well! I love her zest for life, and the joy that she brings into each day. We love singing along with our favorite songs, together : )

Adrian , my little man of mystery--he doesn't like to be center stage, but he's got talent, too. Every now and then, we'll hear him blasting away on the trumpet, hitting the drums, and picking away at the kiddie guitar--picked that one up, around the holidays. I can see him being a musician someday.

Ever have a glimpse of what God might be working on, in your future? That's how I feel about music, and how it may relate to our family life. I can't shake the feeling that someday, we might all be doing worship ministry together. Nothing brings as much joy to my heart, than when we're on stage, playing and singing, with the team. Someday, I hope that our kids will join us, when they are old enough.

Song-writing. Can't get it out of my mind. Literally. I can't even pen the words. I know that they are there, being formed...but nothing, yet. Looking back, on all that God has brought me through. My childhood, those times of real insecurity, loss of life, loss of loved ones. They all mean something. They all have a story to tell. But if I try to bring it together, on my own...I don't know. What comes out of it may be less than stellar. I'm trusting God to lead me, and bring me out on the other side, testifying of what He has done, in and through all of this. He is good, and He is a great God!

In my travels, I came across this reading. Here is the address, and what it says:

Joshua 4:23

"For the Lord your God dried up the waters of the Jordan for you until you passed over, as the Lord your God did to the Red Sea, which he dried up for us until we passed over, so that all the peoples of the earth may know that the hand of the Lord is mighty, that you may fear the Lord your God forever."

God is alive and well. He is at work. He will 'dry up the waters' around you. If He did it for the ancient peoples, why on earth would He not do it, for each one of us? No matter how I might be feeling, which is very much dependent on the weather(LOL), I trust that God is still God.

The song of my heart is what I wake up and live, each day. Someday, I hope that some of that will end up in the form of notes and lyrics, making a beautiful sound : ) Until then, I'll be in process: living it out, trusting the Lord, making the memories with the ones who matter the most.

The Baggage Claim

A few years back, I went on a trip with some girlfriends. Just boarding the plane to our Florida destination, created unmatched excitement and anticipation--no kids, diaper bags, or schedules to worry about...just time away to recharge our batteries, for the year ahead!

We had a great time. The weather was sunny, the conference encouraging, the music incredible. All in all, a great long weekend away. I was doing fine, until we started boarding our plane home. It seemed that the airline we were flying with wasn't as courteous, on our return flight, as they were when we departed. Instead of offering to store our carry-on luggage, at no charge--now, we were told it was too big to take on the plane. We had to swipe our credit cards, at the terminal, at $25 a bag, before boarding.

Even though the dimensions of our luggage fit within the written guidelines, they didn't fit into the box at the terminal. I could feel the hairs standing on the back of my neck, as I tried to reason with the attendant. We watched as dozens of passengers filed by, with similar-sized luggage, no charges incurring for them. Finally, a promise was made, by me, to report the incident. I flew home that day, feeling angry and taken advantage of. My poor friend had to sit next me, while I vented my way home. I can laugh about it...now that a few years have passed!

We never did get our money back. When I think about it, I still shake my head. There are much worse situations to be angry over. This one falls into the category of "life is not fair, minor annoyances." Airlines may not have 'consistently-courteous people', from one hub to the next. And life will give us baggage to carry, from one adventure to the next.

For me, it raises a question: have I dealt with my stuff? Most of the time, I think I have. But then life sends me in a new direction, and I find myself carrying around the same junk--with more to add, coming back.  Like the baggage claim, my stuff keeps going around and around...waiting for me to pick it up, claim it as my own, and deal with it.

Isn't it liberating to purge out the old, and bring in the new? We try to do that from one season to the next--getting rid of forgotten toys, clothes outgrown, things we don't need. I always feel better once I've made room for new things to enter our lives : )

In the heart, it is much the same: allowing God to bring to the surface those things that no longer fit or belong. I'm glad that He is always doing something new, in our lives! We aren't designed to carry around those old burdens...

Matthew 11:28-30

"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."

..and He wants us to be freed up for what He is preparing, ahead of us.

Jeremiah 29:11-13

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart."

With the Christmas season upon us, I am reflecting on the goodness of God. Letting go of the things that were never mine. Getting rid of what no longer fits. And looking to the New Year, with anticipation, of what He will bring into our lives. Blessings!

Love is Messy

An enjoyable mess...sometimes, it is fun!

A few days ago, I was awaken by cries in the night. I figured it was more of the same: croupy coughs and stuffy noses. As I scrambled upstairs to my little girl's room, there she was--afraid to move, clenching her little fists in disgust at the mess before her. Looks like the stomach bug came to visit us, as well.

While on clean-up duty, I had a flash of a memory in my mind. Myself, as a young child, sitting in my own bed, the same cries in the night...and then watching my mom, clean me up. I remember feeling bad that it happened, and that she had to get up and do more work. The sheets on my daughter's bed were the very same sheets that I used to sleep in...maybe the flowery print in this scenario helped trigger that memory.

Those sheets are in remarkable condition, for being like 30 years old. Reason being--at some point, they were put away in storage because they were no longer being used. After the divorce, I slept in that bed less often, going back and forth between two homes instead one. I'm glad to have several sets of my old sheets: they remind me of a time of security and routine in my family of origin.

In the struggle to parent my own kids, there is(at times)the haunting feeling of abandonment--lurking around me. In my heart, I've often asked, 'Mom, where are you?' I wish I could pick up the phone and tell her about the things that go on in our day. I imagine that we would laugh about this or that, exchanging some happy memories from when she was a young mom.

Love is messy. Love takes work. Love gives even when it seems there is little, to give. On the days that I miss my mom, I try to remember that she did what she could. In a turbulent time, she loved us in a way that was vital: by providing for our basic needs. It was a sacrifice that was necessary, and one that took time away from us. But she did it out of love for us. She worked so hard, and was an awesome nurse.

I also have memories of my dad, playing with us at the park. Going for countless bike rides, eating Popsicles while they dripped down our chins, attending our first Twins game, going to the Zoo. He is the most fun dad(and grandpa)ever! Life was challenging, but we had fun together. Somehow, we survived and by the grace of God, we now have families of our own to love, and have fun with : )

We have to fight for family life. In today's world, we have many demands on our time, and distractions that pull us away from what we unknowingly crave: meaningful relationships. There are some things that cannot be fixed or controlled. When I feel like life is becoming rather 'projectile' and messy, I go to my Creator and ask for help.

He is every thing that is contrary to my circumstances: strength--when weak...wisdom--when in confusion...peace--when afraid...let's go to God, who has open arms and loves us deeply...yes, even in the mess of it all.

Silence Speaks to the Heart

"They spread their wings, and fly"

Listen...the rhythmic ticking of our clock, on the wall...the tinkling water, forming ice cubes...and they rumble-tumble to a frozen bin, below...jets passing by, overhead, on a crystal-clear night...the dishwasher, humming to close its symphony of clean. These are sounds I rarely hear--only when all is perfectly still.

Sometimes silence speaks. It cries out for a voice, that is often drowned out by our noisy world. I wonder how I missed it for so long. All those years of long work hours, the need to conquer the world, as it were--my 20's were a sort of quest to see what I was made of. I think we've all been there at some point in our lives. We don't know who we really are...and then we find out Who made us.

Today, I find myself in a different kind of busy. The list of 'to-do's, slowly gets crossed off, but only to be recycled again by the same chores, different day. One day at a time, I know, I know. And as I go through my day, I hear the same faint question: "Mommy, will you play with me?" And I wonder, as I put off my 'yes', one more time, should I trade temporary organization(and sanity) for memories that will last when those mundane days add up to years, gone by too fast?

I've decided that a woman can never do enough in one day. Even on the most productive of days, the end of it leaves me wondering if I've, again, missed the best part. I silently vow to make tomorrow better. I try. And sometimes, there are those shining moments. Like earlier today, when my son explained to me, in detail, why he had constructed his Lego helicopter a certain way(our little engineer). I'm so proud of him and the wheels that are ever turning, in his little mind. Or like this afternoon, when I saw how high my daughter had learned to pump, on the swing set. Her smile was brighter than the setting sky, as I waved to her through the window. I finally did make it outside to be with them both...even if it was the end of the day.

As my kiddos grow older, I'm discovering that they need as much of my time, but in a different way. It's true that it gets easier when they become more independent. But now, they want an audience more than they need a watchful eye. They need me to cheer them on, excited for each little step towards growing independence.

The distractions of daily living are in constant competition with what we love and cherish most. I have to remind myself that someday, when I'm gone, the list will cease to matter...but the memories that we made, together, will live on in the lives of my children--teaching them what is most important: that they are dearly loved! Not only by me, but through me--I humbly hope to demonstrate some of the awesome love God has, for them.

This is for all you parents out there. We're in this together--the balancing act of practical love, i.e. providing for our kid's needs, vs. spending that quality time with them. I now understand how hard this job description is, to live up to! Thankfully, we have much grace and love surrounding us. Because we are also still kids, to Someone. Have a great fall and start to the school year : )

The Lycra-Spandex Blues

So it finally happened to me. Yes, one of those questions you never want to be asked...well, unless the answer to the question is an obvious 'yes'. This time, it was a definite 'no'. I was at the local pool, in the water, next to a little girl who had an eye-level view of my mid-section: "Do you got a baby in there?", she quipped. I replied, "No, but my tummy looks that way because I've had two babies!" LOL

It's been a hot summer, here. One the of things I hate shopping for the most is a swimsuit. By July, the kids were begging for a pool pass and so I had to find something soon. I can't recount the number of stores I've been to, multiple times--looking, trying on this piece or that. It is frustrating, to say the least. And then add to that, towing along your two children--who seem to be experts at making a scene in the stores. I'll share with you a few of my hilarious moments, in finding that perfect suit.

I was at a store, where they have everything, pushing my red cart through the swimwear section. My kids were hiding here and there, underneath the racks--pretending to not be seen. I was bent over a particular 'miracle spandex suit'--examining the push-up feature, annoyed with the underwire, not believing it would do anything positive for my size. Then I heard a male voice, practically booming behind me: "Lookin' for a suit there, are ya?" I turned around, with the cup-side in hand, facing a family member that I don't see too often. He had a rather smirky smile on his face, while I could feel the red creeping across mine. He happened to be waiting for his little boy, by the men's bathroom, inconveniently located by the women's swimwear section! Ah well, he was just being sociable. No hard feelings there.

My next trip would take me to another dept. store, where it seems they always have sales. It was swimwear this time. I finally found something that would work for me. But then I had that thought: I really should have TWO suits...you know, just in case. That was my undoing, so it seemed. The section was pretty picked over, not offering much in my size. But then I saw this mannequin. I just had to check: yep, she was wearing MY size! Was there another one the rack. Nope. I started to wonder how on earth I could get this suit off, so I could try it on. The thought of stripping a mannequin, in the middle of the store, was just too much...even for me. There were no sales people anywhere to be found. I walked up and down the isles, three times. Only found one person, and she was ringing up a line of customers.

I started feel desperate, as my kids began to whine about how hungry they were, when we would leave, and this and that. The mannequin was one of those hanging kind, on the rack. No head, no arms, no legs. Just a sculpted mid-section that represented a figure most of us never had. I looked to the right, then to the left: "Forget it, I'm bringing her in the dressing room!" And so we did. My son kept asking, "Mom, are you gonna take that suit OFF her? Are YOU going to try it on? Mom? Mom?" We rushed past the back of the store, making a bee line for the dressing rooms. I never felt so foolish and silly, in all my life! But maybe it would fit...maybe?

Well....it sort of fit...not really--it looked about as ridiculous I was already feeling. Next question: "Mom, are you going to take her BACK to the rack?" Oh boy. I sure didn't want to! But I knew I had to. My kids were watching, wondering if their mother had completely lost it. So we returned 'Miss Mannequin', with her suit back on, to the hanging rack. I was never so glad to leave a store as I was that day.

So I guess what I've learned from all of this is that one decent bathing suit is enough. Maybe next season, I'll find another in a less dramatic way. If you want to see what real women look like, go to the pool sometime. We come in all shapes, sizes, and personalities. But we share the same need to be loved for who we are, inside and out.  I'd rather be there, chatting up the day with my mom-friends, instead of with the 'false figurines' at the dept. stores. But that's where we have to go to get fitted...and even when you find a flattering suit, you may still get asked that dreaded question!

My Neighbor's Lawn

We've heard the old cliche', "The grass is greener, on the other side." It is human nature to look out onto another's field or pasture, wondering what it might be like if we were over there, ruminating, instead of where we are now. Comparisons can be poisonous, deadening the gifts and creativeness that are uniquely ours.

 Since my kids have spent more time together, this summer, I've heard my share of squabbles and bickering: "Mom, she has more than me. Mom, he always gets to go first! Mom, I don't want her looking at me anymore...Mom, she called me 'Adrio', again!...Mom, he's being naughty--he's a dunker(what that is, I'm sure I don't know)!"

While humorous, my ears can grow tired of the daily whining and wailing of my four and six-year old. To be fair, once they get past this stage(usually after breakfast), they play well together. It is a beautiful sound to hear them role play, pretending to set up house. Sometimes the stuffed animal cats are 'nursing' their babies--so adorable. In the building process of parts to toy vehicles, there is all manner of tape, stuck to my carpet: the gray sticky kind as well as the familiar beige masking tape. We run out all the time...if you ever get a present from us, and we have to use duct, electrical, or some other adhesive--you know that we ran out of scotch tape, again.

We can learn so much from children, can't we? So much of what we observe, in their world, mirrors what we adults struggle with: significance, validation, provisions, using our gifts. It is the difficulties of life that often drive us to compare and wish that we had something better. I remember a time when I was complaining about the taste of what I was given. A wise person said to me, "do you know why the grass is always greener?...think about it: because it is well-fertilized!"

How true. When we look out onto the horizon of another person's field, we see the beautiful green, staring back at us--and hopefully, it doesn't create in us the 'green envy' we'd all like to avoid. But what we don't see is what is hidden. The refuse of life, that has been turned under in the soil of adversity. The past, the hurts, the trials that have made that person who they are, today. We don't know this unless we've walked in their pasture, with them. And it would be wise to wear the appropriate footwear, while doing so.

So let our hearts remain tender, humble before God. Knowing that He is doing a work in each of us that is not yet complete. Let us have empathy for those who are struggling; joy, for those who are doing well. On this day of our nation's freedom, let us be thankful for all that we have and for the sacrifices that have been made on behalf of this country. Have a blessed day!

Little Love Sponges

 We are counting down the days. Seven, six, five, four, three, two, one...June 1st: last day of school! So excited to have a break from daily drop-offs and pick-ups. While I have enjoyed taking Adrian to his rural school, kicking up some dust on the way, we are ready to be done.The days have grown longer, and the bedtimes have stretched out, later and later. The great outdoors are calling our names, and it is hard to come back inside, with so much to do and explore.

This weekend, we make our way to Omaha, NE to celebrate Grandpa Jim and Linda's wedding. Samantha will be the flower girl, which means a special t-shirt and tutu, for the rehearsal dinner--complete with a princess crown and wand. Adrian has a tux shirt to wear, as well. Yes, she will love it. She has a pretty, ivory satin dress, with slippers, for the big day, on Saturday. It will be fun for her to 'play dress up' for this special day. It will be a good time together with our family, out there. Also good time, on the road, to catch up with each other...captive audience : )

I've been busy with landscape design, yard maintenaince, and planting our own vegetable garden. Although this year, we mixed in a few more flowers, in addition to last years sunflowers: butterfly weed, nasturtiums, and a wildflower mix. Hopefully, all will come up and grown well. We plan to finish the grade in the backyard(finally). Not sure if it will be natural boulders or retaining wall block. Hence, the reason we have taken 6 years to get it done: we can't agree on which material to use. I think I've got Troy convinced that boulders--the more cut-stone kind--will look nice...we'll see what happens, with that...its always harder to design your own yard, than someone else's--LOL.

Planting season has gone amazingly well. The crops are in! All in about a week's time, with little rainy weather to contend with. A big thanks to Troy's uncle, one of our hired hands, who helped him get the job done. Troy is looking forward to a more laid-back summer, with less traveling and more time fishing, in the boat we inherited. It needs a little work, but once that is done I know he and Adrian will have a great time bonding, over bait and hook. Samantha and I will join them, on occasion...for a few hours : )

So that's the update, on us. Nothing too deep or dramatic...just the goodness of life, here on earth.
God is good. I have to say that, repeatedly. God is GOOD! He has lavished his love on us, in many ways. Lately, the best way has come from the mouths of our babes: they have been saying "I love you Mom", a lot these days. Samantha is especially verbal: "Mommy, I just LOVE you. Guess what I'm gonna do now? Give you a hug!" Love it.

They have, no doubt, soaked it up, from various people and places, in their lives. Kids are little sponges. They take it all in. Sometimes, it isn't all good--they have their moments, like any one us can have. But then we hold them, SQUEEZE them, keeping them close...and out pours the love. God knows we need it, as exhausted parents. I know some of you can relate. I like how He will send a little love, through the form of a child, at the right time. We wish everyone a fun summer together. Enjoy the parks and pools, soaking up some rays--and sharing the love : )

Seed for Sowing

A second piece of chocolate has been unwrapped. Sitting here, while it melts in my mouth, I have to say that life is good. Of course, it always is with a little chocolate. Looking back to a year ago, I'm now in a much better place in regards to what is coming ahead. There were many tears and dark days, last spring. I'm delighted to imagine that this spring might be different.

Before I get into the deep, I'd like to share about my 'little joys'. Adrian is now six years old. He loves reptiles. Yesterday, for his birthday, he spent his money on a 4-ft yellow and black snake...no worries, its not real. He went to bed with it wrapped around his neck and wearing a smile that no sleepy eyes could erase. It is heart-warming to see the way he marvels at creation. Today he was in the hayfield, chasing down some of the first butterflies of spring. Soon we will be raising Monarchs and I'm sure all sorts of 'nature things' will be finding their way onto the kitchen island-LOL.

My little Samantha will soon be four years old. She has the vocabulary of a 6-year old and plenty of charm to go with it. She loves animals, carrying purses and dressing up in tutus. She is forever finding little trinkets to carry around in her hands...and it is then that I tell her she needs her purse! She is a princess, but one that doesn't mind the dirt and the outdoors. My kind of girl. It's fun to watch her and her brother play together. They say the cutest things. This Easter, we seeded a 'resurrection garden' in hopes that it would help them gain an understanding, alongside the baskets and bunnies. We were surprised at how well they took to the idea. They were building tunnels and pretend tombs, saying, "ok, its your turn: you be Jesus and come out now." LOL

Life has a way of bringing us to our knees, doesn't it? Trying times are what bring people together. It is pain that builds bridges to the hearts of the hurting. It is broken down walls that create transparency, letting the light shine through...revealing that we are also human.

Within the seasons of life, we have different roles to play. Sometimes we are the needy, other times, we are the support for another. We sow time into our families and friends. Our workplaces. Our houses of worship. Passionate pursuits for the greater good, that tug on our hearts. And then there begs the question of taking care of ourselves: how and when do we do this?

It will look a bit different for each one of us. I have issues with the sunlight changing, hence, more winter blues than the average person. This year, I was able to treat that with a Happy Light--no kidding, that's what they call it. I also discovered(with a good doctors' help)some other deficiencies that were contributing to my feelings of depression. And what has pulled all these little adjustments together is choosing to spend a little time with God, each day.


A plan was devised: sitting in front of the light(for 30 minutes)reading, checking in, preparing for my day. I'm amazed at how much better I now feel. God is faithful. He does meet us wherever we're at. Kind of like a parent with arms open wide. He gives us wisdom to help us in our times of need. He also sends encouraging people into our lives so that we're not so alone. I'd like to share a verse that has touched my heart, in this journey from grief to joy. Psalms 126:5-6 says, "Those who sow in tears shall reap in joy. He who continually goes forth weeping, bearing seed for sowing, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him."

What I believe this is saying is that when we have tears, they matter. Someplace else, in Psalms, it says that 'God keeps our tears in a bottle'. I had never considered, before reading this, that grief could be a necessary part of bearing fruit. But its hard to argue with the content of this word picture: we shall no doubt come out of a season of grief, carrying a harvest, and have joy. The tears and sadness are seed for something greater, something good...later on.

I could not imagine anything good coming from losing my mom, nearly 4 years ago. I continue to wrestle with the dreams that were dashed, when we had to say goodbye. But I will say that I've pressed into God, alot more, since we learned of her illness. There was a short period of reconciliation that took place, between the two of us. I'm thankful that we had that time to talk. Those are some good things.

Been thinking about seeds, as we've experienced the warmest March on record, here in MN. I'm sure this is true in many parts of the country as well. I have never thought about getting a garden in so early before. Easter weekend, I planted onions, shallots, radishes, cabbage, broccoli, spinach and peas. In my bay window, I have some sturdy little tomatoes and pepper plants growing, which will go in around Mother's Day weekend. The weather this spring has been amazing, to say the least. I'm so happy to see green, everywhere!

Dig in a little deeper, with me, now...all seeds have to die to themselves before they can produce. They have to be sown into the ground, buried in the dark earth. They need water, sunlight, and warm temps. And then they crack open, sprout and root in...and eventually, after the rain, the growth spurts, the summer heat--we start to see some fruit forming. And harvest time is for sure a delightful, happy time. You finally get to see and taste the fruit of your labors.

And so it is with the seasonal nature of our lives. Another verse that has been encouraging to me is Psalms 37:3, "Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness." It is good to be able to enjoy what God has given, isn't it? Especially after a time of intense sadness. He does bring us to those places of contentment. Learning to trust, to live, to do good--to feed on His faithfulness, which is food for the soul.

Faithful

Last month, we drove out to the Omaha area for a family visit...and to attend Winter Jam 2012! It was amazing. We decided to get the upgraded pass, to get in early--not wanting to fight possible crowds or be turned away. Surprisingly, there was no line and we parked right up by the front of the building. We walked in, got our lanyards scanned, and picked a seat up by stage right. Since there is no seat-saving, we were afraid to even move once we got there--LOL. Of course, you have to use the bathroom and eat, sometime! We arrived at 4:30PM, so that is a long wait until the show officially started, at 7PM. I told Troy he could guard my seat, with honor...he did good!

Many of the bands were new to us: Skillet, For King & Country, Group 1 Crew, Dara McClean, We As Human, Sanctus Real. The main reason I wanted us to go was to see Peter Furler and Phil Joel perform together. We never made it out to a classic Newsboys concert, back in the day. It was quite exciting, hearing on FB, that Phil was considering joining the concert. The fans were wooing him, day by day--with Peter's help--until finally, at the end of December, he agreed to join. Who knows how often they will perform together...hopefully, more often than not.

Before the official show started, there was a Q & A time with a few of the bands. Building 429 and Kari Jobe were up for this round. It was cool to see how genuine these artists are, in

being real with the fans. They're people(like us)who happen to be called to be in front of lots of people. Kari Jobe couldn't have said it any better: "If you have a passion for something, and it seems impossible, it probably means you're supposed to go for it...but be faithful where God has you planted, now. He will open up doors, later on."

I haven't been able to get those words out of my head, since then. It was like getting another piece of the puzzle, as it pertains to 'purpose in life' stuff. I believe God has a plan for each person. I trust Him and know that all things happen for a reason. But sometimes, you get that gnawing feeling that something isn't right...that there are bigger things, out there. This feeling doesn't come from comparison to another person, but from deep within my soul. It is the longing to know, and be known.

Sitting there, in that fifth row, watching Kari speak and tell a little about herself--I felt very content. Troy was there with me. Our row was literally 3 seats wide(our own little personal space). I thought about how much we both enjoy music...how our kids love it with us...the worship ministry we've been able to be a part of all these years, the incredible musicians in our little church. It started to make sense to me. This really is what I love the most: doing music.

I have no idea what our future holds, in that regard. But I just have to get up each day, and sing. That I know. Its in my heart and soul, lyrics playing in my head, throughout the day. I might be driving around in the van, listening in, the steering wheel becoming a bongo...for a second or two. Lately, I've been hearing my daughter, singing along with me. That is fun. I'll be on the piano, and there's this one song I play, called, "Every day", and when I get to the end of it, I do this really cool minor tag that makes her squeal with delight. It doesn't matter which room of the house she's in: I guarantee you will hear her cheering when I get to the end of that song!

The concert was great, as you can see.

Best part was meeting Phil, after the show. We walked up to the concourse, on the second floor, and waited maybe a couple of minutes. I introduced myself and Troy, and then we saw his eyes light up: it was great to put a face to a name. Phil and Heather Joel have a ministry site called 'Deliberate People'. It's a place where you can follow a reading schedule, meet with God, get to know Him better. I decided to take on the challenge with them. It's been fun to read what they're learning from day to day. They have some great insights to share with everyone.

So back to Kari's comments, about remaining faithful where you're planted. That spoke volumes to me. God knows my heart. He knows it. Just keep on doing what you're doing...it brings joy and someday, may go beyond your wildest imaginations. (Luke 16:10, Jer.29:11)

My Mosaic Family

If you've ever been in my house, you might notice that I have a thing for glass, in all forms. Depending on what season we're in, the top of my cub board will display an array of glassy items, with a strand of lights to illuminate them, at night. In my heart, I smile when I see it. Art makes me happy. It reminds me of how creative God is; His handiwork through our fingertips.

I remember going up to Split Rock Lighthouse, on a trip up north. The shoreline is often covered with pieces of colored glass, washed up from old shipwrecks that happened years ago. The once sharp edges, now worn away from being tossed along the waves and rocks. I brought home a bottle full of them once. They looked better under water, but still pretty. Its funny what we treasure, what attracts us, isn't it?

Walking by this mosaic(above), I was amazed at its eclectic beauty. I wondered how long it took the artist to mold all the pieces into place. How did they draw the scale of the picture to fit on the side of a brick building? Probably used some serious ladders, or maybe scaffolding. I think it turned out great. I don't know where a person finds that much broken glass, but I'm glad that someone has the vision to put it to good use.

In Psalm 68:6a, it reads, "God sets the lonely in families..." The meaning of the word 'family', here, probably doesn't mean just blood-related. There is a picture of so much more, in just that one sentence. The lonely. One who is isolated. One whose home may have been broken. One whose life lays in shards. I'm imagining God placing that person in an environment where the broken pieces can be swept up, dusted off, and put in a jar for safe-keeping.

We can often find someone worse off, or better off than ourselves, at any given moment. I would like to venture that all people are 'cracked pots', in one way or another. We get chipped, knocked over, tossed around, and sometimes...broken. That is the nature of living on earth. Our character becomes shaped and tested through tough times, revealing what is within. Some appear to have it worse than others, but life is still life...kinda crazy, at times.

I am a cracked, broken pot. I have pieces that will never go back together again. I've endured loss in many ways. I've experienced feelings of neglect & abandonment. I know what its like to have innocence taken away, only to be replaced with emptiness. I have felt lonely, depressed, more than I care to admit. The ache for my mom remains; for her to see all that her grand kids are doing and becoming...for the person her daughter is becoming.

But in spite of all that, I give a shout out for how great our God is. Guess what He's doing? He has that jar of broken pieces...He is the artist. He has each one of us in the place where we need to be, to shape us, bringing healing and restoration. As the picture of our life comes together, so does our family unit, along with us. He sends the right people into our life, at just the right time.

There is an expression on my wall, surrounded by pictures: "Our family is a circle of strength and love, with every birth and union it grows. Every crisis faced together makes the circle stronger." It holds true for us. When family comes to mind, included in that is church family, MOPS family, study group, music team, former co-workers, friends of all ages. You all have made a difference, and I thank you for being a part of our lives. Love you all, so much : )

The foundation, the Rock, that holds us together is strong. When we build upon that, the beauty is lasting and ever-changing. Each piece, carefully placed, mortared and glued down. Only God could put people together in that way. He has a plan, an idea of what the picture will look like. I can hardly wait to see it someday. Until then, we trust...we live...we laugh...we cry...we fall down...get back up...love...forgive...each piece, creating something beautiful.

A Moment of Truth

Here we are, at the end of another year. It was busy, but one that came without incident. The little bumps along the way were welcome in comparison to some of the big boulders we've climbed, over the years.

I don't know about you, but it takes me awhile to make sense of crisis and loss, when it comes. There is a sort of ripple effect, like in an earthquake. The tremors can be felt miles away, reaching beyond the initial point of impact. That's kind of how I tend to process life. When stuff hits me, I often don't realize how bad it is until later on.

Maybe God does that on purpose, to protect the innocent--who knows. Dealing with my mom's death continues to be a process for me. At different times of the year, it can be harder...or not. But God has and will continue to carry me through. The song 'Thrive', from the Newsboys, has been especially meaningful to me over the holiday season. Check out the lyrics sometime and you'll see why its such a powerful song.

Been thinking about people, relationships, life, God...and what I'd like to change, going into 2012. Do you ever get frustrated with yourself? Sick and tired of you? Unable to fix the mess? Yeah, I think we all can say we've been there. That's me right now. I have no good, logical reason for feeling that way--I just do. I'm done--had enough of me--ready to move on. Looking in the mirror, I do not like the reflection I see. And I'm not talking about the newly emerged crow's feet(LOL-the hallmark of turning 35),but more the 'wrinkles of the heart' staring me in the face.

Guess what? I can't fix it. My resolve to do so will maybe last through the month of January, as do many resolutions. This one is too big for me. But I can trust. I can take the time to get to know God better and hear Him speak. I don't know how that will all turn out. I will most certainly fail, time and time again--but then what: I'll just get back up. Doesn't matter if I'm barefoot, wearing slippers, or mud boots--just have to keep on walking the walk.

Here's what I want for 2012. To simply love God and others, better than in 2011. Sounds so basic and easy to do, but I think it is one of the hardest commands: Loving the Lord your God, and your neighbor as yourself. The golden rule, right? It requires a relationship in Christ, that will fuel the ability to carry this out. Our own power and strength will not be enough. Dying to self, surrendering our desires and plans, allowing God to take the reigns. For without the death of a seed, there can be no life...no substantial growth. *I'm definitely not there yet, but many times when I write--I do so to encourage not only others, but to remind myself of where I want to someday be.

God promises us that if we seek after Him, first, everything else will be added(Matt. 6:33-34). It may not be what I had in mind, but it will be so much more than I could ever dream up on my own. I will not settle for just getting by--I want more than that. Life is short, and every thing here is temporary in nature. Whatever I do, I want to send it on ahead, into eternity. Ready for some adventure? I know I am. I hope your Christmas season contained some unspeakable joy--have a blessed and Happy New Year!

Eyes to See

What a beautiful November day on which to be thankful. No matter what life has brought to my table lately, today we had turkey--and good times with the family. The sun was out, and the temperature was unseasonably warm--how delightful for a girl whose mood seems to change with the weather!

Life is full of surprises. Today I learned that my step-dad, Jim, is newly engaged to a lovely lady--her name is Linda. (For those who do not know, Jim was married to my mother for nearly 17 years--she passed away from cancer, 3-1/2 years ago). It is good to see two people so happy together. New chapters, new beginnings...two story lines, merging together as one.

I'm glad to know that God is always doing something new. Even if I can't yet see it, He is. Watching my kids play together, they have great fun acting out scenes from the adventures dancing around in their little heads. Just this afternoon, Adrian was throwing Samantha the rope, begging her 'my little ponies' to catch it and pull him out of the water--it was hilarious. She kept saying, "but they can't get the rope--their feet aren't sticky enough." LOL

From their vantage point, the possibilities are endless. Children have the unique ability to look out, and up. They also look down, but not in the way adults do: what they see is different. Ask any 3yr old girl, searching for lost barbie shoes--and you know she may as well found lost treasure, when one turns up!

I envy the innocence of childhood. It goes away all too quickly, when you have to think about life stuff, bills, providing, nurturing, time with your spouse, and on and on. Sometimes its easy to feel like nothing good is coming back in, to replace all the giving out you do. And if you work full-time, its that job...or maybe its being that friend that continually supports, but doesn't feel supported when your time of need arises.

Yes, being an adult is a different vantage point. We may look into our past too often, or we may worry about our future security, missing the present moments of joy, all around us. Truth be told, my name would be on every one of those lists. I can get myself into such a funk, that I don't know how I got there...or how long it will last.

The other day, I was reading Adrian some bedtime stories. One of them was out of his Adventure Bible book. It was a story about the man who sold all that he had to buy a field that he knew contained buried treasure. And he kept digging and digging, pressing on--knowing that once he found it, all the sweat and effort would be worth it. Jesus was sharing this parable, from Matthew 13, to remind us that searching for God is like searching for that treasure.

Once again, I could hear that little voice, whispering to me. It was such a rough day. Lots of tears, grief, frustrations, regrets. Too much to tell, here and now. But I knew it was God. "Keep going, keep on looking for Me, keep on reading my letters, keep on praying, keep on enduring...because one day, it will all be worth it--you will find me, know me better, you will do great things, you are doing the most important thing, now...and I love you." I was amazed, once again, by that children's version of stories of old.

It's kind of funny, really. It's like God is saying, "well, if she won't spend time with me, then I'll have to send her a message during the bedtime routine--again." Oops. I'm so glad that God is always present, even when I'm not. He speaks in many ways, and as a parent, I find that my answer of the day often comes at night, in those stories.

Ever come to the end of yourself? You're out of answers, out of solutions, full of problems? I think that's right where I need to be so I can get a fresh perspective, a new vantage point. God is doing something new, even if I can't yet see it. He is. I'm learning to trust in that promise and allow him to shape my life however he sees fit, to accomplish his purposes. It is so hard to surrender, because I can tell you that I have lots of ideas on what I think my life should look like.

But God sees the big picture. He has the ultimate view, from the beginning of time to the end of the age. So I have to agree that my 'tiny little window' of space is no match for what will someday be revealed. (Isaiah 55:6-13)

Time in a Bottle

I love October so much that I'm posting twice this month. Ha, ha--no really, its for my own sanity. I desperately need time to reflect. And just sitting down doesn't work well for me. So I'm going to write about how I should not be so busy and slow down a bit...kind of ironic, isn't it?

Turning 35 has made me realize how fast the time has gone by. I don't mind that I'm only five years away from the big one, however, it feels like being 20 was only yesterday. I think about how different my life was then. Quite carefree, and for the most part, completely naive to the world around me. And yet, there are parts of my life that were already too grown up, even at that age.

Sometimes children have to grow up too fast. Their circumstances command them to take charge and survive whatever it is that may be robbing them of just being a kid. As a young adult, I did not understand the whys or the hows of what came to be, in my own life. But now that I'm a parent, there is a sharper perspective from where it once appeared blurry. Like the children, the parents are also trying to survive. And hopefully, there is a support system in place to help them through the 'life stuff'.

My mom has been gone for just over 3 years now. Celebrating another birthday, without her, was easier than I thought it might be. I thought about where she was at, when she turned 35. And it gives me joy to know that she was happy, beginning a new life for herself--and in some ways, for her children, too. I'd like to think that she knows that I'm happy, as well. To see all that has changed since she was here--and maybe God did grant her request for a 'news feed' of sorts. Wouldn't that be the coolest thing? To have social network up there, keeping tabs on earth-bound loved ones. But then I hear that Heaven is so grand--a place where time stands still. So it may be such that when I arrive and see my mom, it will seem as if no time at all has passed, for her.

I wish I could put time in a bottle. Not to save it up, or spend it later. What I want to put in that bottle are the memories of my kids when they were little. They still are kinda little, but I'm painfully aware of how fast it all has gone by. This kindergarten chapter, this going to school every day now...it has hit me that the time I have with them gets shorter, each year. My daughter will go to preschool, next year. The comments I hear the most, about that milestone, is all the extra time I will have. And that is something--time to do all the stuff that is hard to do when they are at home.

Lately, I've been convicted of how more often than not, I will find things to do other than play with my kids. It makes me sad, partly because my mind is always thinking of the next thing I have to do...and all the while, the days go by, the months, the years..."cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue and the man and the moon..." Just like that old song, I'll wish that I would have said 'no' to the list, and got on the floor with them, instead.

My dad has a unique propensity for remaining somewhat child-like, even at his grandfatherly age. I have many memories of bike rides, going to the parks, wrestling on the stinky floor(yes, there was 'gas' involved), playing softball, board games and cards. Those happy times are good filters against the unpleasant circumstance of life. I think that somewhere in there, I'm a lot like him. I need to remind myself of what it means 'to play'.

Kids are so creative. I love that about them. Cardboard boxes are turned into doghouses for stuffed animals--complete with an attached doggie door, made out of a paper bag. Scotch tape is a commodity used for securing all kinds of things to the back of little tractors. The grill tongs are barracudas that eat squeaky bath-toy fishies. Spoons are dog bones, pillows and bean bags are rocks for the plastic snakes to hide under. Yarn and name-tag holders have now become dog leashes. Oh, another favorite: those metal holders for steeping loose tea? They are sharks that enjoy eating coins. The barbies go to parties--riding my little pony's and giant stuffed cats--as their coaches and carriages. Cinderella has gone lots of places, at our house! And then there is all the nature stuff on the kitchen island: tree bark, rocks, pine cones, and the glass jars with the 'bug of the day' catch. The fridge is covered in artwork...

Note to self: play with your kids today. The to-do list can wait 15 minutes...or maybe half an hour. We can't bottle up time for later, but the memories we choose to make will always be with us.

Our Captive Audience

We've returned from our end of summer trek out west: ten days away, 3,712 miles logged, 8 states crossed...loads of laundry later, it still feels like I've been home only a few days. With school starting, 30 hours after pulling into our driveway, I feel caught up in a whirlwind of fall activities--kind of like those dust storms we saw rolling across the interstate as we made our way home. Now that its October, the frenzy of activity hasn't stopped. Just shifted--now we're into harvest season. I'm enjoying this warm weather and the deepening of fall colors in our area.

Back to our adventure. Was it long enough? Nope. Did the time go by fast. Yep. Was it worth the effort? Absolutely. I can't tell you how good it was to leave our house in good hands, so we could put our hands on the wheel and see new places. Taking two small children on such a journey seemed daunting. I wondered, as the days lead up to our departure, was I crazy for wanting to do this now? Maybe we should wait a few more years.

I'm glad that we didn't wait. Our life as we know it has a lot of inertia at the change of seasons. We miss seeing each other when the long hours at work--and in our fields--take us away from just being together. When that happens, subtle changes in behavior become noticeable--not only in our kids, but with us a well. We all get a little cranky, you know? And we had our cranky moments on the road. Mostly on the long night drives, trying to get our hotel in that next town, only to do more driving the next day.


I lost track of the number of times Adrian asked, "Can we climb that mountain? How 'bout that one, over there?" Poor little guy. I had to tell him no, every time, because our schedule didn't allow for long hikes...and those cliffs were asking for trouble with our adventurous kids. But we did have our stops: Mount Rushmore, Yellowstone, and some great rest areas for grilling out at lunch time. It was fun to do that and hang out together. At one stop, we heard a strange clicking sound...apparantly, they have clicking grasshoppers out west. The kids were having a great time catching them. I discovered that one of Samantha's love languages is touch. She didn't quite meet her daily 'touch quota' while we traveled. She constantly asked, "Mom, can you hold me?" I kept telling her 'no', as I reached back my arm to hold onto her leg...sorry honey, gotta keep those confining seatbelts on...don't you wish we could travel like we did, as kids? It wasn't as safe, but it sure was more comfortable! My favorite place was the Grand Prismatic Spring, in Yellowstone. We stopped at dusk, just as the sun was setting. The steam from the geysers was rolling upwards, catching the rays as the sun went down. I've never seen anything more beautiful than those pools of water, teeming with microbes that somehow survive those hot temps. Those microscopic critters are what give the water its amazing hues of orange and turquoise. Adrian and I had a great time, tromping along the boardwalk--resisting the urge to run and reach over the boundary lines. The pictures were quite good, coming from an ordinary point and shoot camera. Soon they will be canvased on the wall in my house: a visual reminder of a place that made me feel so alive.

We had a great time visiting my aunt, uncle, and cousins--in their home state of Oregon. We saw many different landscapes: desert-like trails along the gorge, the falls at Multnomah with so much greenery and moss, to the Japanese Gardens in Portland. I loved every part of it and was glad they took us around to some of their favorite places. The kids liked the Bonneville Fish Hatchery the best. They got to feed Rainbow Trout--schools of them! It was fun to watch. There were also Salmon and some enormous Sturgeon kept there--one of them was like 8 feet long--wow.

I didn't buy much for souvenirs. Just took lots of pictures of mountains and the changes in scenery along the way. The kids picked out toys from the Fish hatchery--a plastic snake and a stuffed-fish(I guess it isn't really a 'stuffed animal' is it?). But there was one thing that I did buy. Something that will be forever treasured and personal: a canvased painting from my aunt. She is quite the artist, with over 30 years experience in her field. It was fun to see her artwork displayed on the walls of her house. When my eyes locked on "Sky Blue", I knew it had to make its way back to Minnesota...and hang on my wall. The colors, the water, the rocks--yep, that resonates somewhere deep inside me. Probably has something to do with an important family vacation we took. I was about five when we went up to Thunder Bay, way up by Canada. I remember skipping along the rocky shore, jumping over the water--I just wanted to keep on going...my poor, pregnant mother, chasing me down--probably certain that I would slip and fall into the frigid water below. I can't help myself: got my dad's spirit of adventure, and it is alive and well. Both my kids have it too: it was hard to contain them on our trip. There was no path they wouldn't get off of and try to explore! So when I saw my aunt's painting...I just knew it would come home with me. Mary and Dale were kind enough to ship it out so it wouldn't get damaged in our jam-packed van on the way home. Every time I look at it, I think of her--and how happy I am to have inherited adventure and appreciation for beauty: from both sides of my family.

Another aspect of our trip that was great: windshield time with Troy. We talk the most when we drive together. The joke is that I can never sleep when he drives because he won't let me. It never fails: I close my eyes and he's saying, "Hey, look at that." Or, he starts engaging in deeper conversation. Here's the interesting flip side of that: so when I talk to him--like at home, on the couch--he falls asleep. Go figure! This has been the situation for 15 years. Maybe its genetic...or maybe I am that boring(LOL). In reality, there is little time left at the end of the day, just to share. But when behind the wheel, its a different story. I get to hear what's going on with Troy. We talk about our hopes, dreams, frustrations. I wouldn't trade cheap airfare for the time we got on the road that week. It was priceless.

Here's to travel: maybe you've got some gravel in it, maybe its on the paved road. The Spirit of Adventure is out there(yes, we watched 'UP' on the way back). Can't wait to do it again and get away from what is too often a hectic, over-scheduled life. I'm glad for our little jaunts, too--like up to the cabin for a weekend. It's a lot of work to prepare for, but its always worth the trip. Lately, my "travel" has consisted of driving a new kindergartener to school, back and forth, each day. We take the paved road in, and the dirt road home--looking for combines, in the fields along the way. And in between, my brave little man is slowly telling me about his day. My little girl is also happy to have some 'mom-time', all to herself, as we run errands together in the morning. I know the day will come when they both will grow up and fly away. I'm learning to treasure our daily travels together in this busy season of life. For it is also priceless.