Tuesday, August 27, 2013
So glad I didn't. Some time later, she was behind me in the check-out lane. I turned around and saw the bandage where her port had likely been. She looked tired; just hanging in there--like my mom, 8 years ago this August. My heart went out to her and her daughter...to her family, and all they must be going through together.
"Mom, I thought of you today. I didn't cry or fall apart...not yet, anyway. But I was reminded of your pain and am so glad you are in a better, brighter place today. I love you : )"
I was in the process of becoming a mother myself(pregnant with my son), while I watched my own mom, fight for her life. I came out to stay for a week, that August. Went shopping, bought her some button-down shirts that would make it easier for her to access her food port, did some yard work, tried to stay productive for her. It felt strange, trying to care for a person I hardly knew. But I was determined to do something...there wasn't anything else I could do, really.
"I wish we could have had more time together. I see other daughters with their moms around them. Not just little girls, but big girls--like me. Just today, at the pool, there were moms, grandmas, and kids--splashing together in the 95 degree heat. I'm happy for them, not bitter. Just don't know what its like to have that."
I love my kids. What mother does not? For years, I wondered if I would ever feel what I was supposed to feel with my mom. There was a disconnect. I've tried hard to remember the good memories. I think they've been clouded over by the pain of separation. Still hopeful that some will resurface to bring me some comfort and reassurance.
"Mom, I know that you loved me...and still do. I think it was hard to grasp that--and the sacrifices you chose to make--until I become a mother. You did what you felt was the best, for our welfare. I'm only sad that we couldn't have a little more time on this earth. "
Life brings us surprises that can be unexpected. Some of those are good surprises though. We're having another baby, early next year. How exciting and fun that will be : ) My children have eased some of the pain of not having mom here. I so wish I could know if she sees them, knows what they look like, hears their laughter...yes, even their ear-piercing squabbles and screams. But I don't.
"Mom, tonight we read, 'Heaven is For Real' at bedtime. I tried to explain to Adrian why babies sometimes die, here on earth. He asked about our first baby. I know he/she is with you, in Heaven. I'm so glad that you get to spend unlimited time with a grandchild we have yet to meet."
In my reading travels, I'm in the book of Job. Talk about a man with troubles. He was upright, loved God, and was truly blessed...and then, God allowed it ALL to be taken away. In his humanity, he grieves over his life and why he is even here in the first place. He just doesn't understand. But it ends well--that we know.
I have to remind myself of all that God has done in my life, and in the lives of those around me. He is a faithful God, with steadfast love. Every story has conflict--some dark undertones, areas that need to be redeemed. And so I choose to dwell in the land that I've been given, and feed on His faithfulness(Psalms 37:3).
"Mom, we miss you. I know your experience up there is infinite--no longer measured in time, the way it is on earth. The best way we can honor you is by living and loving well, here. Allowing beauty to come out of the ashes--letting God do what He needs to do, to finish our story. Until we meet again, know that you are forever in our hearts."--Love, your daughter : )