Not So Random

It's amazing what you can think of when you're busy sweeping the floor! Why do messes help us organize our thoughts?Hmmmm...while cleaning up, I had some memories playing back in my mind. One of them was about friends who had come and gone, in my life, over the years. When you meet someone, you imagine that you'll be in each other lives, forever. Everything seems so grand, so perfect...you wouldn't change a thing...and then, it happens: life changes things for you.

When I was 2-1/2 years old, my parents relocated from Nebraska to Minnesota. We settled into a middle-class neighborhood, in Rochester. My mom was finishing up nursing school at RCC and my dad worked in retail. For me, it was as if the whole world had opened up: there were kids, toys, and bikes going here and there, around the block, again and again. The ice cream man would glide through the streets with his little cart and alluring bells--and instantly, every child would be pulling on their mother's pant leg, shirt, or arm--begging for 50 cents to get their favorite Popsicle--he was like a modern day Pied Piper! I'm sure our parents just loved it when he came around(ha,ha).

I lived next door to the Peterson family. They had a boy named Michael, who was my age, and a little girl, Sarah, who was a few years younger. We had great times, playing together. Across the street was the Sandberg family, with their 4 kids(at that time). I was good friends with their oldest daughter, Allison. Our October birthdays were 2 days apart. Allison's sister, Emily, was also part of our little pack. We would have many adventures together. One of them was climbing the humongous willow tree at Michael's house. I'd like to think that I was the bravest one of the bunch, who somehow managed to get to the very top! We would make bets and dares upon double dare, to see who would win. It was a great time to be a kid!

And then there were swing sets, sandboxes, monkey bars, and my big backyard--which seemed so deep that I was sure a football team might have played there. My mom would comment that it always took so long to mow the grass with our puny little push mower! I recall draping sheets and blankets over the monkey bars in our yard. I would lay on the ground, gazing upwards, imagining that I would someday live in 'an outdoor room'--where you could feel the breeze and see the sky. I think truly, God puts those desires in our hearts so that we will someday strive to make our dreams come true(Did I mention that we have our retaining wall up now? Soon we'll be enjoying our new patio and outdoor room!).

Do you think it was some random, incidental choice that brought my family to this state, this city, and into this neighborhood? Probably not. I've come to believe that everything happens for a reason. Our family went to church and followed the ritualistic traditions that had been passed down for generations. We were a normal, American family by many standards. Were we happy? Did we have our share of troubles? The answer to both questions is 'yes'. But God knew that we also needed Him in the center of our lives. He placed us next to the two families I've already mentioned, so that we could see Jesus reflected from their lives and into ours.

I absolutely loved spending time with the Petersons and Sandbergs. Watching them be together was such a comfort to me because my own family was becoming more and more broken, as each year passed. Although my childhood memory can't recall when and how it all happened, I still could sense that something was not right; little by little, much sadness began to creep into our home. God surrounded us with good neighbors that helped us in so many ways. Even though they couldn't stop the inevitable, they were there to support us through the many changes that would be coming.

And Life did change for all of us. Our family divided into two homes when I turned seven. The Peterson's moved to Colorado, and the Sandbergs--across town--when I was about nine. I remember how devastating it was to lose those connections. Kind of like seeing that big willow tree get cut down, next door. No more shelter, no more tree-climbing. Sadly, those days were now over.

But around this time, I was invited to Camp Victory by my friend Allison. It was there that I discovered who God really was and how much He loved me. And not only that, I had never heard music like I had heard there. No church organs, no chanting, no dismal hymns...well, that's how they seemed to sound to me(I do like some hymns!). No, it was so different. I thought to myself, "Whatever it is they have, I want that in my life." And so began my walk with God, my journey of faith. That was back in 1986. My life was not very secure at that time. There were still many unknowns and changes, but I felt peace because I knew that someday it was going to be ok. And even today, music is a big part of who I am and what I do. I love to sing and use those gifts to praise God. He put that into my heart, even before I chose to trust Him with my life.

Now, here we are, 24 years later! Thanks to the miracles of social networking, I'm back in touch with Allison. My heart was warmed, knowing that her walk with God is also strong today. So coming full circle, God put her in my life many years ago--knowing all the events that would take place, ahead of time. Isn't our God amazing? He definitely has a plan and purpose for all of us(Jer. 29:11). I don't have to despair as to why He chooses to remove friends from my life, for a season. Or maybe I will never see some of those friends again--who knows. But, if I'm trusting Him completely, I know that He will continue to bring new people into my life, as well. Like another old friend once said, "Your heart grows bigger with more room to love all the new people God brings, into your life." So true.

"Into the darkness you shine, out of the ashes we rise.

There's no one like you, none like you:

"Our God is greater, our God is stronger. Our God is higher than any, other. Our God is healer, awesome in power, our God, our God..."(Chris Tomlin song)."

Getting an Education

When I first held my little guy in my arms, 4 years ago, the last thing I was thinking of was where he would go to school and how he might learn. I was in love, and that was all that mattered at the time. I remember thinking that my new occupation--'rookie mom'--was going to be the ride of my life and I wanted to enjoy it for as long as possible. Now jump ahead to today: I have two active little ones and the quiet peace of that hospital room is but a memory now.We are doing the preschool thing, and when that is not in session, I find myself answering all kinds of curious questions. I've added to my resume teacher, full-time referee, macaroni chef, band-aid expert, laundry-lady, dishwasher--I mean "dish stacker", and the list is endless--as any parent knows!

This week, we've had an education in weather patterns. The tornado that almost touched down over our house, decided to go east and visit my husband's parents. Quite an intrusion, this storm was! No warning, just the sound of wind, and then glass and debris everywhere, within a matter of minutes. We are thankful Grandma Suzie was not hurt and that the damage is able to be fixed. Adrian now understands what tornadoes are. He's been talking about it a lot since Wednesday, when it hit. Some of my favorite questions and remarks: "Mommy, do tornadoes live in the woods? Do they have sharp teeth?...Are they boys or girls?...Mommy, Grandpa Jim shot that tornado and now it's dead, lying in the ditch!...Mommy, that tornado is naughty--him needs to go back into the clouds!"

Want to hear something funny? By no intentions of our own, we've had to start educating our kids about gender differences. Those of you who have boys and girls know what I mean. They start asking questions, even at ages 2 and 4 years old. You can't convince me that little kids don't know that boys and girls are different, even from outward observations. In my world, there are many questions about which animated characters are boys, and which are girls. They want to know. Then we have to go one step further by defining which parts these cartoons have! It gets even better: we are out in public and once again, the conversation surfaces. "Mommy, that boy has a______! That girl has a butt and a _______!" Reminds me of the movie, 'Kindergarten Cop'--and here I am, living it out! I had to forewarn my relatives, over the Independence holiday, that they may be told which parts they have and why. It is torturing for me to keep a straight face in front of them and to keep from blushing when in the presence of strangers! Oh please, please, when will this end? I have to take it before God and figure out how to address this in healthy, non-shameful way. We are gradually learning how to do this...'what is and should be private is not to be discussed, in public'. That is my mantra to these curious monkeys I love and adore : )

It's a high calling, this parenting job. Quite often, I find myself asking God for wisdom to raise these little ones up. I have no shame in praying this with them, as we tuck them in at night. They need to know that I don't have all the answers and that I often make mistakes. It is humbling, and in a way, we're already teaching them through this simple act of faith. I struggle with what education choice will be best for our kids. For now, we are a part of the public school system and have had many benefits with our son, regarding his developmental needs. He is doing so well and I feel comfortable with his education team. Each year, God will give us the wisdom to know what to do...so really, I don't have to worry about it.

I am thankful that we serve a big God who is sovereign over every circumstance. Yes, He is even in control of my children's "curious questions and body awareness"! One of the hardest things I've begun to realize, about parenting, is the reality that our kids(like their parents)will have experiences that are painful--and despite our best intentions, we can't prevent every bad thing from happening to them. We have to trust God, the Father and let Him take care of the things we have little or no control over. He is the author and finisher of our faith(Heb.12:1-2)...and He continues to write the story of our lives.

The Force of July

After a busy summer, we were finally able to get away to the great state of...Nebraska! We spent the 4th of July weekend, in Omaha, visiting family. Driving around that winding, bumpy road, surrounding the lake brings back memories of other trips, over the years. We often get in late at night and the light is always left on(just like Motel 6!), as we're pulling in the driveway.

Walking into the house, this time around, was better for me than on other visits, since the funeral. I would feel such a personal loss, knowing that my mom wouldn't be standing in the doorway or getting up from checking her email, to greet us. While that feeling didn't hit me, initially, just being in the house for a couple of days made me more aware of the feelings that are still there. It's as if I'm getting closer to the awareness of my grief by being inside the walls that she once called home.

Going to church with family and friends is another reminder of this awareness. Maybe because we are in a place of worship that she called home, here on earth. She is no longer on stage singing--well, maybe she is and we can't see her--nor is she standing next to us. I find comfort in talking with some of her friends--women I see only when I come through those doors. It's a healing time for me to be around them and have that connection, even if for just a little while.

On a lighter note, we had a great time on Saturday, playing volleyball and watching the kids splash around in the water. Sand castles--or canals, rather--were built and after it was done it kind of looked like a little town back in biblical times! Too funny. Adrian loved it. He would say, 'No, that tunnel is bumpy' and then he'd grab some wet sand and slap it in place. Future engineer, maybe?

Samantha loves going out to eat. When she hears that we are going to a restaurant, she says, "I get to sit in a highchair!"My little sanguine. So colorful and full of life. She is all curls, brown eyes and well, to be honest, lots of mischief! But I love her for every minute of joy that she brings. Even when she is in trouble--or should be--it's hard not to laugh at her.

On Sunday, it rained most of the day. Perfect day to surf the satellite channels for good movies. Guess what was on? A Star Wars marathon! They called it "The Force of July". Nice play on words there-LOL! They kept replaying all 6 movies, over and over. So that was my Sunday afternoon. It was fun because those that were there all liked the sci-fi, galactic adventure(for the most part) so that made it even more fun. I still like episodes 4-6 the best. The new ones are ok, but there is something nostalgic about being a kid when the original movies came out. Nothing like that had ever been done, in the area of special effects and what not.

It has been said that half the fun of going on a trip is in getting there. That is somewhat true, in my experience. All the work of packing and getting everyone ready to go is worth it for the journey. We enjoy driving(when the kids are quiet!) because it gives us a chance to catch up on each other's thoughts. You could say that we have a captive audience in each other. I like to tease Troy because I never get to take a nap or get through a chapter in a good book, when he is driving. He will initiate conversation when he is at the wheel, more than at any other place. So I don't get much sleep, but I do get inside my husbands' head, which is worth far more than a nap, any day.

And just like that, 3 days goes by. I never like to say good-bye, but I do like getting home and into my own bed! Like I tell my kids' friends, when they don't want to leave our house, "You have to leave so you can come back, again!" I wonder if 4 yr.olds get that? I usually get some strange looks when I say that--LOL--but you know, it holds a lot of truth. All good things must come to an end...so that we can look forward, to the next good thing.

Puzzle Pieces

What About Me?

Lately, I've picked up an old favorite devotional: My Utmost for His Highest, by Oswald Chambers. This was a kind of staple in my spiritual upbringing, along with the daily Psalms and Proverbs ritual. There were times when I would dread the readings in these books, fearing that my conscience would consume me from the inside out, wanting me to let go of the sin that had taken hold of my life.

But through that part of my history, it has stuck with me. Today, I look forward to those nuggets when I find the time to read. Oswald's book is very deep, despite being just one page per day. I especially liked the reading on June 21st: which also happens to be my mom's anniversary day. Here's what really impacted me:

"...the continual grubbing on the inside, to see whether we are what we ought to be generates a self-centered, morbid type of Christianity, not the robust, simple life of the child of God. Until we get into a right relationship to God, it is a case of hanging on by the skin of our teeth, and we say--What a wonderful victory I have got! There is nothing indicative of the miracle of Redemption in that. Launch out into reckless belief that the Redemption is complete, and then bother no more about yourself, but begin to do as Jesus Christ said--pray for the friend who comes to you at midnight, pray for the saints, pray for all men. Pray on the realization that you are only perfect in Christ Jesus, not on this plea--"O Lord, I have done my best, please hear me" ...

...How long is it going to take God to free us from the morbid habit of thinking about ourselves? We must get sick unto death of ourselves, until there is no longer any surprise at anything God can tell us about ourselves. We cannot touch the depths of meanness in ourselves. There is only one place where we are right, and that is in Christ Jesus. When we are there, then we have to pour out for all we are worth in this ministry of the interior. " (My Utmost for His Highest, O.Chambers pp. 173)

Wow. Those are powerful words! To have that kind of spiritual maturity is incredible. I think we all go through times of 'poor me', in our lives, and then we move on from there to what is next. God will use whatever circumstances are required to bring us to that wholeness---and apart from the perfect sacrifice, we will never be complete.

The Anniversary

Monday was a good day for me. I didn't cry, not that I should have or wouldn't let it out...I just didn't. My wave of grief had already washed away, into the ocean of emotions. Don't know when the next tide will come in, but it's ok. God knows, and He will provide the necessary means to get through it. It was good be with family on that day, and in the days leading up to it. I felt much peace in their company. And like the old saying goes, 'all good things must come to an end'. So we said our good-byes and carried on with our day. But if nothing ends, then there isn't anything to look forward to, right? We are looking forward to more time together. I feel very blessed to have a supportive family network. Thank you, to all of you, for the role that you play in mine and my family's life. You are like the precious stones that wash up on the shoreline, amongst all the other stuff that life brings in. It's good to have those gems in our lives, isn't it?

Nothing Ever Occurs to God

Ever have one of those surprise moments, you know, something outta left field--didn't see it coming kinda thing? Yeah, that happened to me last night. I was going over a design with a client when the subject of 'where did you grow up?' surfaced. I reluctantly mentioned the name of the town, and then their eyes lit up: 'hey, we know someone from there and will be seeing them tomorrow!' Yep, you guessed it: I also knew the same person. The next thing I knew, there was a fancy, wide-screen phone laying on the kitchen table and I found myself talking to someone from the past, via speaker phone! The room was all ears, as you can imagine.

I hadn't talked to or seen her for at least 19 years. She was one of several friends that I used to run around with. You could say that both of us are different people today then we were, back then. Probably a good thing, too! I was happy to hear that she has a nice family and that she loves the Lord. So while I've often prayed for old friends from this town, here is one of them, being a light in the darkness. I hope that I can be an encouragement to her, should we remain connected. None of this is a surprise to God. Just another piece of the puzzle, put in place. I drove home, shaking my head, saying "Ok God, you do have a sense of humor...you're up to something!"

Watch 'em Grow!

How delightful it is to watch our kids, playing and being so innocent. They are happy, most of the time, and have no cares in the world. They know they are loved and trust that their parents will meet their needs....I said needs, not wants(ok maybe sometimes, wants)! We sit there, beaming from within because we are so proud of them and love them so much. We humbly ask for wisdom, quite often, in raising them up and in making decisions for on their behalf. What an awesome responsibility it is, to be a parent. But having our kids be happy, for the most part, makes it a joy.

I often think that God feels the same way about all of us. I know that I am happier and more peaceful when I trust Him with life stuff. Like a friend reminded me, God is in the 'Restoration business'. He wants to make all things new. He knows what we desire and is delighted when we want the same things He does. So while the reading that I mentioned points to the Redemption, already said and done, God continues to work Restoration--because of the Cross--in us. It requires total surrender and getting out of our own way. And we get our whole lifetime to figure out how to do this! Every day is an opportunity for growth, in some capacity. Sometimes it rains a lot, sometimes its very dry, sometimes its some of both. But, through it all, we will grow.

Worn and Made New

Ever have one of those 'I need retail therapy!' days? You look in the mirror, or in your drawers, and although there is a reflection and plenty of clothes--nothing looks good anymore--there is simply 'nothing to wear'. Our husbands(or significant others) shake their heads, not understanding this common dilemma. My guy will wear a shirt, or pair of jeans, until it is 'too holey' to wear anywhere, let alone a place of worship(pun intended)! If I dare give these tattered items away, or worse yet--throw them out--he will know...they always find out, somehow.

The clothes, hanging in the closet or on our bodies-- stretched out from laundering and little fingers tugging at the hems, don't look as appealing as they did on the rack from last year's clearance special. Such is the nature of tangible items, here on earth. Everything in this world goes from order to disarray. If you have children, you see this happen on a moment by moment, daily basis. No matter how much we straighten up or put away, the stuff we collect finds its way out of its proper place...again and again.

This lesson really hit home to me, 2 years ago, after my mom passed away. I realized how futile it was to live only for the things this life could offer. In a moment, it can all be taken away. And in 3 short years, a very special person was removed from this life and graduated on to eternity. Oh, how I miss her. She was such a beautiful person, inside and out. My mom had such style and a way with her wardrobe. As a little girl, I would watch her change outfits or put on eyeshadow, wishing that I could be a 'big girl', in that moment, so I could do the same. Now life has come full-circle as my own little Samantha looks up at the noisy hairdryer, handing me the bottle hairspray(she knows the routine).

One of my favorite pieces that Mom often wore was her Psalm 23 necklace. Given to her by a relative, this sterling circle with those timeless verses inscribed on the front, were a source of comfort and strength as she battled through her illness. She had it on the day of the funeral, as she did on most days, during that period of her life. It was then that I realized how much it would mean for me to wear that necklace, as a reminder of the strength from which she drew upon. I treasure that gift for the memories that it holds and for what it stands for.

I like the words written in the book of James: "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning. Of His own will He brought us forth by the word of truth, that we might be a kind of first fruits of His creatures"(chapter 1). All that I have been given, all that can be given away, all of it comes from God...and it is good and perfect. My talents and abilities are also gifts, not only for me to enjoy but to bring joy to others and glory to God, the Creator of all things.

I can spend my time and energy, chasing after the temporary things of this life, thinking that they will satisfy me. They will, for a little while. Like the shirt that I bought last year; it was new and fun at the time...now it's worn and ready to be replaced(yea for that!). What peace there is when you know the Source of all that we have been given. Cling to giver of life, and not to the things that will fade away. Zero in your focus on what you can leave behind, or send on into eternity. For me, that means relationships with others. It's much harder than staying home in my comfort zone. It sometimes means misunderstandings and hurts, but it is worth the risk.

The visible reminders of how temporary this life is helps me remember that "faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen...By faith, we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that the things which are seen were not made of things which are visible"(taken from the book of Hebrews, chapter 11; italics mine). Wow, how awesome is our God. So much that we can hardly get our heads around such a concept as this. All the more reason to trust Him; to rest in where He has me and enjoy what He has given to me.

My Fan Club

It's true, that my greatest admirers are less than 4 feet tall. I would never have to leave my house, ever again, and I'd still be popular(at least until my daughter started begging, "I want to go in the van, mommy!"-- she likes to stay busy). To test this theory out( every mom has done this): try to go to the bathroom, by yourself...or check your email...or just walk down to the mailbox(I have a long driveway)...and you will hear voices, chanting, screaming your name: Mommy...where ARE YOU?

Like the celebrities, trying to run from the press and crazed-fans, sometimes the persona of being 'Mom', makes me also want to run and hide. The price of fame is that we are loved and admired, but we also live a very public life...who knew the bathroom was a sacred place! Like a friend once told me: once you're a mom, you're always going to be one. Life changes, forever.

I love my kids and I wouldn't want them spending the majority of their time with anyone else.

However, I've discovered that a little time away makes your time together, even better.

When my son had his first day at preschool, I blubbered like a baby, cradling myself down the sidewalk and into the van. I then drove to the coffee shop, sat there with my daughter, and cried for the next hour(she was laughing at me). And this was supposed to be fun, 'girl-time!' What's the matter with me?

Fast-forward to present day: tomorrow will be the last day of preschool, for summer break, and now I find myself a little sad that this day has come. I eventually got used to the 2 days a week, 3 hours a day, that Adrian was in school and found that time very valuable: who really wants to take more than one child(or any) to the grocery store? You won't see me raising my hand! My children refer to it as 'the cookie store'. Free cookies while shopping is a life-saver. They don't whine, or hit each other, when they are holding a cookie and shoving it into their mouths! Genius...I love it.

Today, we made a memory that will forever be in my heart. It was so simple, and yet so profound. I said to the kids, 'Hey, let's walk over to Grandpa's house'. He lives next door and we see him often. Samantha said, "OK!" I reached for her little hand and soon it was in mine. Then I heard Adrian say, "I'm coming!" He jumped off his bike and wanted to walk with us, grabbing a hold of my other hand. We started skipping down the driveway. Then jumping up and down, laughing together. Adrian wanted us all to run, but I explained to him that Samantha would likely skin her knee(in the same spot) for the umpteenth time. So we walked. We talked about bugs, caterpillars, and how tall the weeds were growing. And just like that, we found ourselves up at the top of Grandpa's driveway, ready to go inside.

In a flash, those moments will be gone. I can't believe how fast time has gone by already. Just thinking about them growing up and flying away makes me cringe inside. I only hope that they don't fly too far away. I want to be there to watch them start up their own 'fan clubs'. I will smile now, because I'm blessed beyond measure. Because I want to enjoy this fun, yet challenging, time of life. And someday, I will laugh(a little) as they try to hide in the bathroom from their own fans!

Let it Rain

Isn't it fun when you can walk out your front door and see a rainbow, so close that you can almost reach out and touch it! It's beautiful to watch: rains falling, sun peeking out, revealing a path of color through the clouds of grey. A picture full of truth, often descriptive of the stormy times in our lives.

Sometimes the weather can reflect how we feel on the inside. More than I'd like to admit, the skies will dictate how my mood might turn out to be, on a given day. Several cloudy days in a row will often bring out the worst of me--all of the junk seems to rise to the surface, like the tide clearing away the debris. And then there it is: all of the ugliness, left on the shoreline of my life, waiting to be picked up and discarded.

The last several weeks have played out like I've already described. I've been dealing with multiple stresses in my life, making it hard to focus on what's important. But today was different. For awhile now, some words from a popular book have been in the back of my mind--waiting to be picked up and looked at more closely. Here are those words:

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus..." Philippians 4:6-7

I've memorized these words and pulled them out as arsenal, when necessary. But its the next few lines that really impacted me today:

"...Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy--meditate on these things. The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4:8-9

As I surrender my anxieties to God, He promises that my mind and heart will be guarded, through Christ Jesus. Ok, I can do that. I can pray, let it go, and continue to be thankful for all that I have that is good. But what's next? My answer came in the last few lines, listed above.

I need to discipline my mind to focus on what is good and think about those things. Easier said than done, I know. But like we feed our physical bodies, daily, we have to feed and renew our minds and hearts, as well. That part of me is just as much alive(if not more)than what it tangible and visible in the mirror each morning. So when I surrender and think about good things, the 'peace of God' and 'the God of peace' is with me.

I read those words, thought about it, and was feeling like the sun was shining and all was well in my world again. But God wasn't yet finished. I was getting myself ready for the day when I felt compelled to sing some favorite lyrics, aloud. After about the third song, containing phrases like 'Hosanna' and 'King of Glory', I felt a familiar presence washing over me. Like the water that was pouring over my face and the tears that soon would follow, God's spirit was upon me--draining away the sadness and all the debris that had accumulated in my life. It was incredible.

I walked away from that experience of God, changed. And I will continue to be changed, from one glory to the next...mountains and valleys in between. He is such a good God who cares about the tiniest details of our lives. His compassion and mercy fuel my desire to continue to reach out to others, even the ones that are hard to love. He knows what is best. He knows when the timing is perfect. He knows my heart and the desires that were put there. He knows my name and hears me when I call. He knows when the rain is coming and how much is needed.

And like the promise in the rainbow, we will never drown away in our struggles so long as we hold onto Him.