Monday, May 24, 2010

She'll be Coming Around the Mountain...

Well, I feel like I'm finally coming up out of the slump I've been in. The sunny weather has melted away some of the sadness. The way I was feeling was insurmountable. Like I would never be able to conquer this mountain in front of me. I can't change the fact that my mom is gone and that at this time, 2 years ago, she was getting sicker by the day.

I remember that she didn't tell me of the knowledge of her time being short. The cancer had returned and there was now nothing that could be done to stop it. I was counting down the days to my daughter's birth. I would call my mom a lot and noticed, during our conversations, that she didn't seem quite herself. She would forget things I would tell her and just seemed kind of off. Finally, she told me how sick she had now become. I was devastated. I guess that she didn't want to burden me with the news, since I would soon be ushering in to this world, a new little life.

While I'm glad that mom was able to meet my daughter and hold her a few times before she died, I can't shake the longing of wanting her here, instead. Going through my son's birthday, Mother's Day, and now my daughter's birthday, without her, has been difficult. I'm so thankful for the family and friends that God has surrounded me with. They are gifts to me and I know that I should be focusing on them instead of what I no longer have. But it is hard when you feel otherwise.

This is another layer of the grief that I need to go through. I have to experience the feelings, the anger, the sadness--all of it--in order to move on. So long as it does not dominate my daily routine, I think it's healthy to allow time for this process. There is no hurry, no rush in recovering. Just that I'm doing so is enough, for now.

Reminds me of the song, 'She'll be coming around the mountian'. When you go through loss, you can try to go around it and think that you're fine--that life is now finally normal. But then it comes back around, again. This mountain that seems to be too high to climb and conquer, is indeed in front of me. It hasn't gone away. It's been here all along.

I'm choosing to climb to the top, however long it may take. I'm not going to try go 'round, missing the journey upwards. I won't be able to see in the valley what is possible at the top. When I get up there, the view will be a panoramic, all encompassing picture of what is beneath. Maybe then, I will have a small taste of what the Creator sees. I can take comfort in the fact that He loves me beyond description and even in the painful times, He is there.

One thing that has been hard for me is receiving love. I have a tendency to push it away, because it doesn't come packaged the way I want it to be. I have wonderful parents in my life that have reached out, continually, to me. They have given to me and my family, said or written encouraging words, and have served us in various ways. I have genuine friends that have been there and enriched my life. And yet, among all of this, I feel somewhat lonely on the inside.

I guess I've had issues with feeling abandoned by my mom, as a young child. I've been angry at the past because she was just out of my reach. It was not how she wanted it nor how anyone else in my family would have chosen it to be. It just was. While we had the opportunity to set wrongs right, before she died, I've discovered that I'm still hurting as a result of all those years. I had missed her all my life, and then, she died. With her death, passed away the dream of making up for lost time.

I'll keep telling myself this, out loud, until it produces fruit in my life: there is nothing more that I can do to deserve to be loved. I can't do enough to be worthy, nor do I have to. Why is that so hard to comprehend? It's because we are broken and the past tries to take away what we've been given, at present. I have to fight it. It is a battleground. The good news is that I know I've already won because of who I am, in Christ. It's just a training exercise, this life on earth and all the junk, right?

Thank you for all your prayers and support. I know that I would not be where I am, today, without my friends and family. Thanks for walking through this, with me, even if by reading and praying for me, in secret. It does not go unaccounted for. God is good, every single day.